It's no secret that the living situation is what makes college such a hotbed for sex. Remember back in high school when your little sister rudely (and awkwardly) interrupted your first time? Or, even worse, when your girlfriend's father walked in on the two of you . . . on his bed? Well, there's no chance of that happening now!
And while no one likes taking the Walk of Shame, it feels somehow less degrading when you're only going two floors up.
No wonder lower-classmen are so eager to jump in the sack - the housing situation is practically made for it.
There is, however, for every one of your lovers' trysts in AMR I or McCoy, one person who gets particularly shafted: your poor roommate, who has just been sexiled.
Being sexiled is never a pleasant experience. Not only are you prevented from completing many important activities such as homework, sleeping or catching up on Dexter, but you are also presented with a rude and visual reminder that you, unlike your roommate, are not getting lucky at the moment.
If you're single, this realization can be enough to make you want to blow off studying altogether and spend the night getting wasted instead. To cap it all off, your room's going to smell funny for a day.
How does one find out they are sexiled? Some are told well enough in advance that they are able to run off to the library before the dirty deed begins.
Others may receive a text as a dire warning.
"At 6:10 I got a text from my roommate saying, 'DON'T COME BACK TO THE ROOM,'" recalled a sophomore at NYU (names have been omitted to protect the sexiled).
"At 6:40 I got another one: 'Okay we're done, let me get the smell out though.'" Some use silent, but efficient indicators. Socks or ties on the doorknob are classic examples.
"People can be so tactless," the NYU student remarked.
As obnoxious as these alerts may be, they are still preferable to the alternative, to which one unfortunate sophomore girl at Kenyon College was subject.
"I wake up, hear strange noises [and] realize my roommate is having sex while I'm trying to sleep four feet away from them... I awkwardly try to bury my head in my pillows and force myself not to listen. I wish I had gotten sexiled," she said.
One junior Hopkins student, coming home early from a party, walked into his room to find a scantily-clad visitor fast asleep in his bed.
"Can't lie, part of me wanted to leave her there, but I kicked her out, and confronted my roommate as soon as she was gone," he said.
So why don't more of those sexiled address the situation? Confront the offender?
The Housing Office encourages new roommates to set boundaries at the start of the year, but sex is hardly the first subject you wish to be discussing with a stranger, usually one with a different culture and moral standard.
Hence, rules concerning sex are generally established at the time of the act, if ever.
Confrontation is a double-edged sword, as a complainer can be deemed a prude or a snitch.
Criticizing something as personal as someone's sex life can be detrimental to the relationship you have with your roommate.
On the other hand, if you say nothing, or claim "it doesn't bother you", you're just asking your roommate to continue walking all over you and your comfort zone.
There are certain instances where sexile can, and to an extent, should, be accepted.
These include long-distance relationships (provided your roommate is faithful, otherwise this exception is void), and after dry spells exceeding six months.
In the end, if your roommate is in a healthy relationship, being sexiled is inevitable. The time may come when you can turn the tables and kick them out for your own night of fun.
In the meantime, use this unfortunately empty time slot to your advantage - the look on your roommate's face when you score higher on the Orgo midterm should be satisfaction enough to maintain roommate peace, at least until the next time the sock appears on the doorknob.
To the sexilers: Please appreciate your roommates and acknowledge the forced, tormented displacement they endure at your expense. Clean up after yourselves, send texts of apology and gratitude and remember that chocolate can work miracles as a peace offering.
The joys of sex should not be undermined by disgruntled third-party observers, and it takes little effort on the part of both the sexiler and the sexiled to make for a virtually painless and thoroughly pleasurable year.
