Investigators have now positively identified the seemingly superior human being who was found last Wednesday night to be an übermensch by the name of Fred (he was identified as such due to his seemingly superior dental records and his rather overgrown mustache, apparently named Jonah, according to its own dental records).
The case first came to the attention of the sleepy people of Hollows Hill when the fire department was called after a local citizen, Timothy Malgerie, called the police after he observed "something hairy" hiding in the tree. To the surprise of fire chief William P. Higgins, he certainly did not find a garden variety feline hiding in the tree.
"There was a man there - a man. A big hairy man with a mustache," he said, as he was being escorted into his padded room at the local sanitarium. "So, so hairy."
As the afternoon became evening and fire chief Higgins's reason became overcooked spaghetti, more and more townsfolk began gathering around the tree, wondering what could be done and what was so damn hairy up there.
"The kids were confused, real confused," homemaker Sally Jensen said. "I was also confused, real confused. I would describe the whole situation as really confusing; I think the kids would too." (Bobby and Courtney Jansen, "the kids," could not be reached for comment, as they currently have no grasp of the English language.)
Following three weeks of bureaucratic messiness in which the results of the fire chief election were heavily disputed, another phone call was staged so that the new chief could come and deal with the situation. Unfortunately, a 14th recall was called just as he was ascending the ladder. One of his funnier fellow fire fighters decided to "make a funny" and kick the ladder out from under him. This concluded the recount.
So, the following evening another phone call was staged - I had an opportunity to speak with Mr. Malgerie before his big moment:
Q: Mr. Malgerie, how are you feeling?
A: I'm nervous, I'm nervious. This is a big one for all of us.
Q: People all around Hollows Hill are relying on you to take this behemoth down.
A: They are?
Q: Yes.
A: Are you sure?
Q: Yes, yes I'm quite sure.
A: I need to take this "behemoth" down?
Q: Yes, yes you do.
A: It's a cat right, isn't it?
Q: Yes, I think so.
J: Shut up both of you! It's time.
As my brilliant interview no doubt shows, Mr. Malgerie was nervous, very nervous - one might say filled with nerves, or nervy, that he constituted a class half filled with nerviness.
J: Will you hurry it up already? I've got to send an e-mail.
A: Alright, alright.
Eh ehm . . . As I was saying! Mr. Malgerie was about to make the call when, yes, that's right, bureaucracy stuck again, this time in the form of a lightning bolt: one that eliminated every single person in succession for the chief of the fire department. At this point, something simply amazing happened . . .
"I was just sitting there, being confused with my kids; praying for bureaucracy to feel better - you see she's been down with a cold recently - when all of a sudden he, well he sort of, hmm . . ."
The word that our lovely homemaker was looking for is "jump." Fred jumped, and shouted "Why oh why, this level of intelligence is just too painful when faced with having to deal with such incredible dedication to stupidity and bureaucracy. At least the first one has its merits." (Needless to say, Fred was one hell of a jumper.)
Fred leaves behind several hundred volumes of Kantian literature, finely chopped with a hint of romesmary and his mustache Jonah.
