Spring Fair food: a dieter's worst nightmare

Among the many vendors listed to appear at this year's Spring Fair are Hoffman's Funnel Cakes, Big Fat Daddy's, Yum It Up, South Carolina BBQ and MacBrand Foods.

I realize that the names are tantalizing, and the smells even more so, but the crackling fat and airborne calories should remind you that there are a few guidelines you should seriously consider adhering to as you walk the terrifying aisles of food transaction.

If you plan to enjoy Spring Fair's food vending services, I suggest you move on to the nearby stress column (and for the record, at every Spring Fair I ingest a grease-load of pizza, fried Oreos and funnel cakes - one funnel cake per meal.)

First, avoid the grease. It's the stuff that soaks your napkin from off the chicken, the fries and the fried Oreos.

Deep-frying is bad for you. Deep frying is what you see when you go into McDonalds and the fries-makers lift the crispy golden sticks out of the grease in the metal basket. Food is literally dipped in a hot vat of lard and cooked so that fat is absorbed, making the outside crispy and brown. So deep frying is a great way to feed you extra fat.

But also, trans-fat vegetable oil is often chosen for deep-frying process. Trans fats should sound familiar. They are linked to increased risk of coronary heart disease because they increase the proportion of LDL, or "bad" cholesterol, which helps plug the arteries.

Trans fat may also lower levels of HDL, or "good" cholesterol, whose presence helps protect against cardiovascular diseases.

Try instead to get foods that are grilled or steamed instead of fried. Try the grilled chicken on a stick, corn on the cob or my friend Laura's favorite: gyros. They're Greek, can be made vegetarian and are uber-healthy.

Make sure to go for sweets with nutritional value. Instead of funnel cake, go for the banana or strawberry dipped in chocolate.

A funnel cake is about 800 empty calories. A strawberry dipped in chocolate is only 50 calories, and includes tons of vitamin C and antioxidants. Even the chocolate has some antioxidants, which make up for the calories. Plus, a funnel cake will fill you up, and you'll have no more room for pad Thai.

Skip the soda and lemonade. Bring a bottle of water with you to swish around your mouth and hopefully dislodge some of the cotton candy eating into your enamel. Water will keep you hydrated and has no calories, which leaves room for an extra cup of sherbet.

This next guideline is important: watch your portion size. A strawberry, a smoothie, a bite of your friend's funnel cake and a kebab - limit yourself and aim for variety.

Try to get an appropriately sized portion of each food group. If you manage to consume an entire thing of cotton candy or plate of deep-fried Oreos, I suggest you avoid sweets after that and aim for the lean meats.

If you're attending the Beer Garden, I'm assuming you know the drinking drill as you're legal and have presumably been drinking for some time anyway.

Eat some food so you don't regurgitate pure liquid over Brody's lawn, and limit your drinking calorie-wise if you've just come from the food vendors.

It might be wise to have a small, healthy meal before you go to Spring Fair. If you are watching your diet and trying to lose weight, either stick to the guidelines above, or bring a yogurt and stare in hunger and longing as your friends stuff their faces with greasy Pad Thai and fried ice cream.

Remember, Spring Fair is a celebration of spring! Life! Small bunnies and dancing fawns! Edible leaves springing from earth! So try to be healthy, but if you can't resist the funnel cake and triple-fudge milkshake, I won't begrudge you the pleasure.

Eat up, try not to give it back to the world until it's past your duodenum and make up for it later by hitting the gym or avoiding dessert for a few days.