I'm no working class hero. I interned at Oprah Winfrey's O magazine in New York this summer, which is as close as one can get to complete and utter ecstasy with your pupils undilated. Let not the Winfrey factor eclipse reality, however: Interning is still 21st century hard work, in which commuting, carpal tunnel and unpaid overtime are evils that come fast and furiously.
Interns do grunt work, no doubt, and while the summer's blistered and sweaty sorrow is now autumn's News-Letter article, I can honestly say that even when I walked crosstown to pick up a $300, 50-pound shipment of ornamental baskets, I had a boatload of fun. I also gained a multitude of industry insights, of which I now provide a partial list:
? Do not allow the intern from suburban Idaho to lead the way back from an errand. She will take you six blocks past your office before she wonders aloud why things have stopped looking familiar. You will be angry, but too hot to express said anger beyond a groan, as you turn and walk back the way you came.
? Do love all interns, everywhere, worldwide. They will let you know over lunch what your summer would have been like had you decided to test the waters of another masthead. You will thank your lucky stars that you did not work for the company that forced its interns to tally up the total retail value price of every item featured in the September issues of competitors' magazines. You will also have to stifle your envy when hearing about the massive company spring cleanings where Dyson vacuums are handed out like kisses in the land of chocolate.
? Always arrive prepared. Siamese yourself with paper, pencil and access pass. Staring empty-handed at marketing executives while they list the meal preferences of 25 people is hilarious to watch, but not at all to experience. Please note: nobody forgets their access pass. I thought making friends with the day shift greeters would help should I ever forget. But when the occasion arose, they waved me to the smiling but slightly hostile faces of the security desk, who asked me immediately if I was an intern, asked who took care of me and reminded me to please not forget my access pass, as I was making everyone's day harder, especially my own. They are not the Wolman Housing Office.
? Take things in stride. Humanity has a lot of love to offer. In one situation that love meant calling an intern on her first day to propose that a top-secret project be communicated to the heads of Oprah's companies. The plan involved providing Oprah with an honorary university degree (of which she already has several), followed by a nice garden party hosted by the respectable heads of the community, and my feedback would be much appreciated as to whether or not this was a viable plan, since it was much understood that the syndicated Duchess of Smiling Hope would be very busy in between all of her responsibilities, both televised and untelevised. I put her on hold and tentatively approached my supervisor, who, along with her colleagues, chuckled and let me know that there was a quota for these calls, and that she was sorry that I happened to get one on my first day, but that I should be the epitome of chill and take it in stride.
? Be ready to do some grunt work. Sometimes people like free stuff to the point of wanting it a bit too much. This is good when it comes to promotional event attendance, but horrendous when someone amid the 150 nice ladies at an advertiser event steals a prize bag. I should have been tipped off by the grim expression on my supervisor's face and her comfortable outfit of jeans, a tee and ballet flats that the next four hours of overtime were going to be a lot of work and no champagne.
Three months of corporate antics came to a strange end: The marketing executives, all leaving for a weeklong business trip, held the intern farewell ceremony, an ice cream social. When I tried to slip late into what I thought was a sales meeting, I ended up frozen when I saw everyone look up at me - the late-comer - while an enormous ice basin filled with ice cream and toppings seemed very out of place next to our wireless com system. What a sweet end to a sweet summer.
