I don't know what it is. Maybe it's the teeth that never seem to straighten despite arduous trials with both see-through braces and Invisalign. There is something discomforting about those choppers -- which are perpetually covered in a mucus-like film -- that seem to be in worse shape than Albert E. Gator's teeth. Another distinct possibility is the baneful existence of that ratty-looking, prepubescent mustache the man keeps forgetting to shave -- a much more serious offense than Adam Morrison's preposterous lip-liner of last year's tournament. It could be the hair, bunched up in a bedraggled ponytail with frayed, dried-out curls spiraling from his forehead. Nobody knows when he last took a shower. Scholars maintain this information was lost centuries ago. What about those screams? Oh, those mid-putback-dunk yells compounded by the fist-clenched punch to the chest as if the guy is trying to resuscitate himself. These caveman roars do a terrible job of imitating Mufasa. The "visual" combines with the "physical" to create a perfect storm of enmity. How I loathe thee, Joakim Noah!
After Florida finished off their spanking of the inexperienced Ohio State Buckeyes, 84-75, the world thought that it would be granted reprieve from the short clips, never-ending segments, and commercial shots of this scary member of the "Gator Boys." Inexplicably made the focus of the tail end of the CBS broadcast for the Division-I Men's Basketball National Championship, the cameras zoomed in on Noah as he scoured the stands for his mother. (Mind you, the shot was not glued to the game's Most Valuable Player guard Corey Brewer celebrating with his family members). Violently pushing aside drunk fans, 9-month-old babies, and terrier puppies alike, Noah began to scale the treacherous stairs like King Kong ascending the Empire State Building. Once he embraced his mama, tears, I'm sure, were flooding from out of your ducts and rolling down your puffy cheeks.
Touching? Eh, not quite.
Noah is one of those rare athletes that comes around every blue moon that, for no good reason, fills people's hearts with hate. Copious amounts of articles have been written about the topic (ESPN's Pat Forde claims Noah is majoring in "human nature" because of all the hate-filled abuse), hundreds of Facebook groups have been created in honor of it (including "Noah Looks Like Chewbacca" and "Joakim Noah=Sloth from Goonies"), and broadcasters are constantly questioning how he's handling the disgusting chants from opposing fans. What's really surprising is that most individuals wait to voice this kind of hostility towards athletes when they reach the prime of their professional careers and are bringing in the big bucks (See: Manning, Peyton and Rodriguez, Alex).
Not to say that Noah isn't talented -- there is no doubt he's good -- but he is nowhere near the pinnacle of his life as a world-class sportsman. Evidence of this fact was readily available to all those who witnessed last Monday's game -- Noah played a mere 21 minutes and was the only starter to not score in double digits. So, we can rule out envy of his natural athletic ability as the root of all this evil rancor. What about heart-stopping good looks? Hardly. During last year's championship game, the UCLA cheerleaders -- fair arbiters when it comes to judging beauty -- expressed their disgust with the not-so-handsome Noah as he blew kisses and flirted with the blonde-haired babes. This, of course, causes us to also cross "hunk of man-meat" off the jealousy list as well.
Other than his love-affair with half-sucking/half-chewing his overly salivated mouth guard, his ineffectiveness with the English language (apparently he's fluent in French though), and flamboyant post-game dances -- there is no reason to hate Mr. Noah.
That is, if you're a Florida fan.
Because, when you're basking in the glory of back-to-back national titles in the sunny city of Gainesville -- you can thank Noah.
And all those haters who kept the man motivated.
