What a mess! The "super soaked" Super Bowl turned out to be quite the catastrophe this year in soggy Miami as the Colts and the Bears got together and decided it would be entertaining for us all to watch a game of wet, wild fumblerooskie. The first half alone featured six turnovers, causing most people to head to their toilets, dizzied by the topsy-turvy changes in possession. (Honestly, it's hard to believe that the Chicago quarterback was the only person "chucking" it up on Sunday.)
Hopefully by now most football fans have their stomachs stabilized and their heads set straight, because this all-encompassing review of the Colts' 29-17 victory in XLI may bring back some of those queasy feelings.
1) So why wasn't Rex Grossman named MVP of the Super Bowl? Good question. Sexy Rexy didn't look too hot while botching three snaps, lofting two interceptions (one of which was returned for a touchdown), and coughing the ball up once. Nonetheless, scholars maintain that you have to wear the same jersey as the winning team in order to have a legitimate shot at the Pete Rozelle Trophy.
But don't tell that to former Dallas Linebacker Chuck Howley. Ironically enough, the defenseman, drafted by the Bears, intercepted two passes and recovered a fumble in the Cowboys' Super Bowl V 16-13 loss to the Baltimore Colts.
2) Surprisingly, a fair majority of the professional football oracles/writers chose Chicago as the gut-felt favorite to come out on top on Super Sunday even though the odds-makers in Vegas suggested Indy would win by seven.
Yet, as many a sage has said, hindsight is 20/20: The AFC (that's the Colts' conference) went 40-24 against the NFC this past regular season, good for a .625 winning percentage.
Alas, we should have seen this wallop coming!
3) If they ever did a sequel to the `80s cult classic Trading Places, the basic plot of XLI would have to be seriously considered for the second movie. Of course, halfbacks Joseph Addai and Dominic Rhodes would have to split Eddie Murphy's role. But hey, they're used to sharing the load ever since "The Edge" left town.
The lauded Bears' D -- one that kept rushing offenses to 99.4 yards per game -- was bowled over for 191 yards by Indy's ground attack while looking as if they had forgotten how to tackle. Meanwhile, the slighted Colts' defensive unit -- guilty of allowing an average of 173 rushing yards in contests this season -- kept Thomas Jones and company in check by limiting Chicago to 111.
4) Granted, the game wasn't as exciting as the Animal Planet's Puppy Bowl. (The performance of 12-week old Boston Terrier Milo has to go down in the history books as one of the best.) The half-time show, however, did provide some oohs and aahs -- those emanating from none other than the holy crooner Prince. The artist, known (or is it formerly known?) for his flamboyant style and overly gelled hair, sounded great on "Purple Rain" and even better on "Let's Go Crazy." The big stage fit his personality well, the marching band was a nice touch, and the fireworks weren't too obnoxious.
That being said, someone should have persuaded the king's first son to lay off the Foo Fighters and replace it with a goodbye "Kiss."
5) The ads, which this year cost 2.6 million George Washingtons for every 30 seconds of airtime, were a huge disappointment. Given that the Super Bowl commercials almost annually taste a bit stale, 2007 was no different. Talking lions, male make-out sessions, Jay-Z beating Don Shula in simulation football -- what in the world of advertising was going on during television time outs?
You truly have to wonder what some of these companies are thinking. The primary General Motors advertisement was about the suicide of a robot. (This, understandably, was meant to convey that GM is all about quality.) The sole Nationwide Insure commercial was "po-po-zaoed" by the image of American idiot Kevin Federline (the purpose of this ad is and will remain unknown). Lastly, the E-Trade anomaly not only frightened me because of the wide variety of animal masks being worn but also because for a short time, I equated e-trading with robbing a bank. (That's good for business, right?)
6) Finally, the entire hubbub about Peyton Manning not being a great quarterback can come to a long overdue close.
In exchange for a congratulatory pat on the back, Mr. Manning, I would like to request on behalf of all mankind that you remove your overexposed self from my sight.
Because frankly, it's making me feel sick again. Where's the commode?
