You know, it's hard being sexy. And not just normally sexy; I'm talking like terminally sexy. I don't really mind it when my TAs bulk mail me nude Polaroids of themselves, but it's a little annoying when I92m walking around campus and I feel someone grab my ass, and then I turn around and it92s all awkward and I'm like 'Oh, hi there Vice Provost for Academic Affairs Paula Burger.' For the last time, JHU Faculty: I have personal boundaries. Let's try to respect them.
The one thing everyone wants to know is how I maintain my boyish figure; they all want to know what magical diet I'm on. 'Matt,' they say, 'we know you can dance, but what do you eat?' Well, for those who are wondering, I will now reveal my secret: I eat total and utter crap, all of the time. To see what I mean, let's do a quick run-through. Here are my main food groups:
Chinese
Pizza
Subs
Microwaveable anything
7-11
And here's what I don't eat:
Anything with fruits or vegetables in it
Anything with a monosyllabic ingredient list
Anything that has some sort of 'nutritional value'
Anything that starts with 'Lean' or 'Diet'
Anything with 'Preparation Instructions' that involve 'actual cooking'
Goddamn Manhattan clam chowder
Of course, food has always been a recurring theme in my columns, since I really have nothing important to say and apparently I'm aiming for the fat people demographic. But, strangely enough, I've never gone into detail about what I really like to eat. So let's take this opportunity to examine the many facets of:
MATT DIAMOND'S WORLD O' FOOD
Macaroni and cheese: This is the yin to my yang. Macaroni and Cheese has always been my favorite food, to the point where I was basically notorious for it. When I was young, I would92ve robbed my own grandparents for Kraft money; it was that bad. Later I branched out to more elegant forms of pasta and cream sauce, such as tortellini alfredo and penne with vodka sauce. This leads us to the cardinal rule of Italian food: everything is macaroni and cheese.
Pizza: When I was younger, Pizza Hut sold a pizza called the Triple Decker, which was basically a normal pizza but with additional cheese INSIDE THE PIZZA. It was like a pizza on top of another pizza. It was also complete genius. I can't believe they awarded a Nobel Prize to Albert Einstein but not the guy who invented the Triple Decker. I92ve never eaten anything Einstein cooked, but I92ll bet you it was nowhere near as tasty as that pizza.
Then, as if to spite humanity, Pizza Hut stopped making the Triple Decker. I'm pretty sure this is the direct cause of my Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.
Hot Pockets: If anyone needs evidence that the future is now, I present to you: Hot Pockets. This product is nothing short of revolutionary. It takes various disparate foods and homogenizes them into a single format: food inside a flaky crust. The closest evolutionary relative is the calzone; however, Hot Pockets took the idea of the calzone to its logical conclusion, packing more complex foods within the confines of the crust. Calzones might be filled with meat and cheese, but Hot Pockets can be filled with a cheese and chicken quesadilla, or even a cheeseburger. Man, what a time to be alive.
New York-Style Roasted Garlic Bagel Crisps: As much as I hate to admit it, these are basically hard evidence that God exists. There's nothing more I can say.
Vanilla Coke: I don't know if drinks really count as food, but I feel like I need to stand up for this soda. When I first heard that it was coming out, I was overjoyed. I even went hunting for it on the day it was released; I was so anxious to get my hands on it. And you know what? It tasted good. I enjoyed it.
A lot of people hated it, and I'm not sure exactly why, but it was probably the same reason that a lot of people hate things: because they were jealous. Vanilla Coke was prettier than them, smarter than them, just all around better than them. And they just couldn't handle that. Like Edward Norton in American History X, they took their anger and rage and directed it towards something innocent. Immigrants or soda: Either way, everybody loses. And that's what happened here: Coca-Cola decided to take Vanilla Coke off the market. And then, in a move that makes me question if anyone on their executive board graduated high school, they decided to replace it with: Black Cherry Vanilla Coke. Has adding cherry ever solved anyone's problems? This is like when your girlfriend breaks up with you and the next week you find out she's dating Scott Stapp. Yeah, thanks a lot, Scott. Or, as you'd say, 'thanks a lot-AH.'
But I should restrain myself here. This column isn92t about anger. In fact, it's about the opposite; it's about world peace. You see, while there may be factors that divide us, the one thing that unites us as human beings is our love for food. Everyone likes to eat. It doesn't matter what race you are, what gender you are, what religion you follow or even how much AIDS you have. Our hunger defines our humanity. Eating food is what separates us from things that don't eat, such as rocks. So let92s all try to respect one another: not just as eaters, but also as people. That's what Gandhi would've wanted. And trust me, that guy wanted to eat more than any of us.
Matt Diamond is so full of compassion that he had to have some of it surgically removed. He can be contacted at mdiamond@jhu.edu.
