This was a long, very interesting weekend. Like all "interesting weekends" it involved a bottle of red wine, some well intentioned friends, a bit of juicy gossip, a guy and myself all coming together at a loud, crowded party. What I learned from this classic college recipe for disaster is that timing is everything. When and how you break news, for better or worse, makes all the difference.
The situation itself is a pretty standard one: girl likes boy and thought they weren't going to be hooking up with anyone else. Boy goes and makes out with lax girl at a party in front of all of her friends. Hopkins is a very small school, so, like it or not, word inevitably travels fast. This past weekend, my, um, "her" friends decided to break the news after a polishing off a bottle of Argentine red wine, right before going to a party where everyone was going to meet up. Then girl flips out and flicks off boy.
There are a lot of things that went wrong in that story -- but the basic one was the timing.
Sure, my friends had the right idea. They knew I actually liked someone and would not be particularly happy with this news -- so why not wait for something to cushion the ego blow?
Yeah, a bottle of Malbec definitely did the trick.
In theory, it would've all been easier because I was seeing things a bit pink around the edges.
Unfortunately, just as beer goggles let you magnify the better aspects of people to make the 2 a.m. rush a whole lot easier, it also lets you take things a whole lot more personally and react a bit more emotionally.
When breaking the bad news, make sure to have a box of tissues, some low-fat ice cream or frozen yogurt and maybe a pillow on hand, but leave all the normal boys - Johnny, Jack and Jose - on the shelf.
I think we've all heard and, more often than not, accepted the "I was drunk" apology (we're all in those unfortunate shoes at some point in our college careers) but you can only use that "get out of jail free" card so often as a way to make an excuse for bad behavior.
When it comes to breaking the news, first, make sure you're actually well intentioned. Too often people are toeing the schadenfreude line.
After you've ruled that out, make sure you're not doing the news-break at the best time for you to tell it, but rather the best time for the recipient to hear it.
Often times, a person just tries to get off his or her chest as soon as a gap in the conversation pulls at his or her conscience.
Resist this urge and you'll thank yourself for the overall lack of drama in your life in the future.
Finally, try not to tell the recipient in a crowded room, like a party setting. Saving face is a powerful motivating force, and a small ego blow, whether shared with a whole bar or any room full of people whose opinion you might care about to some degree, is painful.
I would go on with some of the move obvious: Don't drop major news while naked/in bed (i.e. "Oh, by the way, the test was positive") and don't do it when the person in question is already angry.
Both of these scenarios are just asking for even more trouble than what will inevitably follow anyway.
No matter how you rationalize it, two bad things happening at the same time are not exactly lessening someone's pain. Instead, you're just adding more and more to it.
Good timing also involves finessing a situation. A friend's boyfriend, for whatever reasons, decided to come clean about a couple somewhat private things that were happening in their relationship to me.
I told him that he had to tell her himself -- I was not going to do his dirty work for him. It was important he tell her himself.
In this case, the timing, or lack thereof, says as much about the person in question as it says about the content of the news itself.
Good timing also means ensuring someone has an outlet for his or her frustrations soon after hearing the less than stellar news. For example, walking to the gym provides a great destination when you're feeling angry.
There's always trashy TV shows on in the cardio room upstairs, and you will never work out harder or take a faster sprint around the track.
Granted it is a somewhat temporary relief but it's cheaper than drugs, and you'll look better afterwards, too.
Obviously, good timing is when someone is ready. And by ready, "I have to tell you something you won't like. Do you want to hear it?" does not count. Don't use this as an excuse never to tell someone, then you're just being a wuss.
Also, keep in mind that hypothetical situations were made for a reason: to feel things out. In this case, you can make a situation up - it's good to get the creative juices flowing once and a while.
Another thing to consider is that there is rarely a situation where we don't have a friend who's already gone through it.
After the news is broken, a little mutual commiserating and sympathetic words can go a very long way, and will help soften the blow of the ugly relationship news.
One last point to keep in mind -- we are all bright kids and, since half of the people on campus want to become doctors anyway, you should learn how to break bad news as smoothly as possible.
Sometimes I think basic interpersonal skills should be a required skill in order to graduate. Consider this a lesson on one of the finer points of social interactions.
We bitch and moan that people at Hopkins don't have enough sex - and no, I'm just the one that puts it in writing, ya'll say it too - but if we can't get the basic rules of interpersonal relationships right, then nothing's going to change.
Never fear, I'll write a column about sex next week, but I feel like if we can't get these basic conversations right with our friends, then there's little hope for getting it right with other important people in your life now and for years to come.
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