Questions arise in the sex column inbox

I get some pretty random e-
mails. Often, some of the
funnier ones are completely
unpublishable (for some
reason there seems little reason to discuss ass-to-mouth in this column), and some of the more useful e-mails become the basis for columns (along with the random personal things people reveal in crowded bars).

However, there are those random letters written from the News-Letter Web site to me that I never really know what to do with.

This week I thought it was time to give a few of them their week of fame.

I'll admit I hope most of these e-mails are jokes, but either way, it's good to see what people are doing with their time. To make things a bit easier, I've made some changes to the grammar, etc., but everything here, for better or worse, was a real letter e-mailed to me.

Dear Jess,

I went to school with [name deleted] and played [deleted identifying sport] with him. Let it be known he is very scrawny and weak.  

He still walks around with his fly down. People called him the bobbing head doll behind his back all throughout high school. He even has a hairy buttox [sic]. I hope this helps you out.

Thank you for your e-mail, I appreciate the warning. Since obviously I have no idea who your friend is, I had to make inappropriate use of the Hopkins Sports Web site to find out. His head is really not that big, and you know what they say about guys with big heads anyway -- yes, the bad joke had to be made.

Anyway, I'm happy to hear that only one of his "buttox" is hairy (that's one better than a lot of guys); or, are you hinting that he only has one? That would be mildly awkward and I imagine somewhat uncomfortable for him.

As for you, my advice? Although I am flattered you thought to warn me about this guy, hopefully after a long night of reacquainting yourself with your boys Jim, Jack, Johnny, Morgan and Jose, you might be able to find better things to do with your time. For example, looking up the correct spelling of "buttox."

Jess,

Help me. I don't get it, what is this stuff all about?

I generally assume my readers have a good basic working knowledge of sex. If you don't, there are some good classes offered at Hopkins that might help you.

One course that comes to mind right off the bat is a basic biology class. After reading letters like this, I sometimes think it should be a required class for graduation. I always assumed most high schools give some form of biology class, but I've been proved wrong a few times.

After covering the biological basics, look up some of the classes taught by Professor Kraft (something along the lines of "Origins of Human Sexual Orientation and Variation").

There's only so much you can learn in a classroom though, unless it's Gilman 500, so I suggest once you do a bit of cramming, get out and do some field research.

Dear Jess,

I've been wanting to e-mail you for a few months now. I see you around campus occasionally, and I've wanted to say hello, find out what you're like as a person. Are you around this year?

Yes, as you can see by the column, I am around this year. Although there are some who would like to be rid of me, (think a hopeful President Brody at the end of last year: "You're graduating, right?") you're stuck with me for hopefully only one more semester. I think you should be more worried about who's writing next -- and no, I have no idea.

Although I do appreciate you noticing me on campus. Generally I like to believe people don't usually make the connection since I look close to nothing like the picture for my column.

I have to admit it makes me slightly weirded-out. But feel free next time to stop and say hi. But please don't introduce yourself as "that guy who wrote you that sex column letter." That'll just be awkward -- a nice "Hi I'm ______" works wonders.

Jess,

I am a virgin; please help me.

The Politically Correct advice: Wait for true love or an engagement ring. Sex isn't that important anyway.

If you choose to disregard this advice, unfortunately there's not much I can do through a newspaper column.

Honestly, I have to admit writing to me is probably not the way to help things along.

There was one lucky boy who will never know this, but last year he had three friends of mine lined up and ready to help him with the same problem you are having now -- few guys are ever that lucky.

If you just wanted to lose your v-card to a random person by this point in life you would've already done it, so obviously sex must mean something to you. It would be best for you to wait until you think the person's at least worth remembering (because yes, you will remember them) and go from there.

I've been blindsided twice now with this: "Oh! I forgot to mention I was a virgin." So try to be a bit smoother than that.

Unfortunately, I'm not in the business of posting personal ads, so I can't help on that front. But, to all the worried virgins, good luck, and know you're in good company around campus.

Editor's Note: The columnist is not a trained medical professional. If you are seeking professional medical advice, please consult your doctor. To send questions anonymously, go to http://www.jhunewsletter.com and click on "Contact Us."

Letters Policy: While all email will be forwarded to the columnist, emails may or may not be read or published. Alternatively, they may become subject matter for the column.