Love and dating in the electronic age

As a rule I don't normally
"friend" people on
Facebook. It used to be
that it just didn't occur
to me why I didn't but now I have a concrete reason.

This past summer I was back in The City (also known as New York) and out at a bar with some friends. It was an odd group, a kind of "everyone brings a random friend" night. One girl brought Doug, a guy who went to my high school but was a year above me. I remembered him as being one of the nicer guys in that grade and it didn't hurt that he was one of the better looking of the homogenous NYC crowd. We chatted during the night and had a good time. I was kind of interested, but I knew he was going home with whomever he came with. No big deal.

A few days later I was on Facebook and thought, "Why not 'friend' Doug?" I did. Maybe a week after that, I get a message on my account. To this day I regret I deleted it but it went something like, "Hey Jess, it was great talking with you Saturday, but one conversation, one night doesn't make us friends. Try again later." Who does that?

I am happy that I kept the second message which I received on the heels of the first. "On the off-chance you misinterpreted my original message, when I said I would confirm when I knew you better, I meant that I WANTED to get to know you better. I recognize it's too late now, but I thought it might be important to clarify. And for the record, yes, I'm mortified to be sending Facebook messages." Yes, I choose the winners.

Now I'm sharing this all first to stand up for all those insulted over the Facebook -- although I hope I'm the only one -- but also to highlight something that's been brought up recently: general use of electronic communications in relationships (at any stage).

Essentially there are just too many options when it comes to communication, and I've seen more than one person stressing over how and when to text/AIM/e-mail/call someone.

First, Facebook messages should be banned. Please don't use them. From the above example we all see how it goes wrong. Also, people don't check them. The messages in the article were over a two-week period.

Also, no, it's never OK to poke. First, it's an oddly symbolic and childish way to refer to other activities this column usually deals with. Secondly, poking is creepy and reminiscent of that annoying younger sibling who is poking you on long car ride simply because you can't get away. If you want to flirt do it seriously or don't do it at all.

The next way to go about things after you've Facebooked someone you're interested in, is AIMing him. Everyone has their theories about this. When I started seeing a now- former boyfriend, we agreed not to do the screenname exchange. Way too much pressure for two commitmaphobes. It was tantamount to an apartment key exchange.

For us it came down to that theoretical situation where we would both be online, but either busy or without much to talk about but would feel the need to IM and than it would be awkward. Although I know this doesn't happen in all situations when you're just starting out, it just didn't feel right.

What always increases the awkwardness is when you know someone has an "alert" set to tell them when you sign on. This goes with "poking" on the creepy list. Do not IM someone consistently three seconds after they get on line 5f every time. It's not flattering, it's stalker-ish.

AIM in general is a far better step in the right direction than Facebook. The best use I've seen is just leaving someone a message for them to come back to in order to make plans.

Way too many people fall back on AIM, though, instead of using the phone. If you're well enough into a relationship to feel comfortable IMing someone to say "hi" then just call them. If you're not there yet, use AIM for the basics.

A great hybrid of AIM and the phone is texting. When used well, it is the best tool for flirting, saving face or making plans. For those in relationships, random messages during the day earn many brownie points with little effort. Dirty or cute, a fun note during a two-hour seminar makes class immensely easier.

Editors Note: The columnist is not a trained medical professional. If you are seeking medical professional medical advice, please consult your doctor. To send questions anonymously, go to http://www.jhunewsletter.com and click on "Contact Us."