Oh! The neon lights, torn vinyl, stale smoke, tasteful grime, linoleum! The Mid-Atlantic Diner is the greasy beacon of reliable nocturnal dining in a perpetually thriving scene at which discourse flows like coffee, awful poetry is written and aspiring gothic warlocks sit next to retired concrete workers and blitzed young professionals alike. To quote a friend of mine, "Diners are important because they cater to two groups -- the people who have too much to do and too little to do, and for some reason they are both up at the same ungodly hour of the night." Few places can match the comfortable atmosphere of a well-run diner.
The fertile crescent of diners, according to your humble diner reviewer, lies within a three-hour driving radius of New York City, excluding most of the city itself. The city that everyone hearts so much changes at a pace that is too fast for the diner population to flourish; that is to say, that culture must stand still for about 30 years for proper diners to propagate and mature into pieces of genuine Americana. Diners seem to exist mostly where there is a crumbling industrial infrastructure, but any place with low enough property values and a plentitude of 80s Camaros will likely harbor a few of them.The fertile crescent of diners, according to your humble diner reviewer, lies within a three-hour driving radius of New York City, excluding most of the city itself. The city that everyone hearts so much changes at a pace that is too fast for the diner population to flourish; that is to say, that culture must stand still for about 30 years for proper diners to propagate and mature into pieces of genuine Americana. Diners seem to exist mostly where there is a crumbling industrial infrastructure, but any place with low enough property values and a plentitude of 80s Camaros will likely harbor a few of them.
New Jersey is classically praised as being the diner-iest state in the Union, but eastern Pennsylvania and eastern New York make laudable claims at the claims at the crown with their well developed lower-income suburbs. Where, then, does Baltimore fit in?
Baltimore, though chock-full of crumbling infrastructure in general, only has a handful of true diners. This strikes me as ironic due to the fact that the motion picture Diner was filmed within city limits -- but things aren't completely hopeless. There is one pseudo-diner within Hopkins shuttle range, and several bona fide setups are a few miles away. A diner must hold to certain key tenets in order to be great. Behold: the list.
1. Genuineness -- A diner has to be sincere and legitimate. Places that try to be a diner because being a diner is "cool" will never be cool. Real diners are made that way because that's the way things are done.
2. Atmosphere -- There should be some sort of jukebox, preferably one at every booth; a smoking section must be available; chrome, vinyl and linoleum are expected; wear and tear is not to be considered a flaw unless damage interferes with the mechanics of eating or sitting. Actual dirtiness on eating surfaces is a serious flaw. It must be open 24 hours a day.
3. Food --This is obvious. No one wants to eat at a place where the food is carelessly prepared or the menu poorly designed. Most diners will have a mind-bogglingly wide selection of foods. Standard fare like burgers and fries should be affordable. Weirdly expensive items are permitted on the menu and should be welcomed as a kitschy perversion of expectations.
4. Clientele -- The vibe of a diner is invariably related to the type of people who go there. Elderly people should be present and associated with the establishment. Individuals coming off the night shift at any place referred to as a "mill" are a prize and confirm the quality of the diner. Punk rockers, emo kids and artsy youths are permitted to a degree, so long as they don't turn the whole experience into a post-modern joke.
So let's talk Baltimore diners and how they stack up to my rigorously biased categories. Paper Moon Diner is located near campus on West 29th Street. It's open 24 hours, which is convenient, but falls short for a few reasons. It is more aptly categorized as a post-diner, a restaurant inspired by genuine diners but redesigned for the next generation of night-loving grease-hounds. It will do in a pinch if a car or sober drivers are not available, but it's pricey for a diner. It's worth seeing once for the decorations, and it hops on weekend nights.
Next is the Towson Diner, another 24 hour establishment located on 718 York Road. This is a clean, well-lit place and is a good choice if you don't want your clothes smelling like smoke. Food choices are diverse and well prepared, although expensive for what they are. The patronage is a younger Towson crowd that leans on the preppy side, so the diner beginner need not worry about awkwardly salty characters trying to talk to him about concrete. The Towson Diner is clean and satisfying but ultimately sorta bland.
The Nautilus Diner is farther away on 2047 York Rd., but is the first diner on this list to get a Note of Distinction, though one with reservations. The Nautilus is an aesthetic gem, with a kitschy interior design appropriaately inspired by the sea. They carry a ridiculous amount of choices, including a whole page of seafood and a wine list. A wine list! The Nautilus is probably the fanciest diner I've ever seen, and I recommend it for intimate dates and wedding proposals. Their jukebox selections are hilariously bad and rife with typos and improper labels. To that, I offer a giggle and a shake of the head.
The best diner I have experienced in Maryland is the Bel-Loc on 1700 East Joppa Road. The Bel-Loc satisfies every requirement of a good diner except one. It's only open 24 hours on Fridays and Saturdays. I am inclined to forgive this, due to its other unique qualities. Everyone who works at the Bel-Loc seems to be over 70 years old, and the d8ecor is the same as it was in 1964 when the diner opened.
The menu is small, but the prices are excellent, the portions are generous and the food is good. The jukebox is the best I've seen at a diner and features hits by artists such as Steely Dan and Patsy Cline.
The clientele is so perfectly Baltimorean that I cannot doubt the legitimacy and prestige of the Bel-Loc as a local establishment. It's a slice of ol' fashioned Bawlmer culture and is not to be missed.
