I have a confession to make: I've been writing this column for over one and a half years now, and in all this time, I still have yet to write about the one subject dearest to my heart, the center of my universe, the core around which my life revolves. I don't think I've mentioned it once. Not even a passing reference.
You're probably wondering what this thing could be. Women? Drugs? Sex? No, idiot, that's what all of my columns are about. This is something deeper than that. This is something more profound. If you're reading this, and you're a close friend of mine, you should know exactly what I'm talking about by now.
Yep. This week's column is about cheese.
Oh, glorious cheese. Most of us eat it every day, but do we ever stop and think about how awesome it is? Why do we take such a glorious food for granted? Stop for a moment and imagine a world without cheese. Just imagine it. Are you seeing what I'm seeing? Barren wastelands, great cities burned to the ground, nuclear winters, tornadoes, flash floods, locusts, darkness, the plague of the first born. And even worse: no cheese! What kind of sick God would allow that? Not Yahweh, that's for sure!
So, it's pretty obvious that cheese is a necessary element for our survival. But what exactly is it? Let's take a look.
The word "cheese" has its roots in the Latin word caseus, meaning "holy food" or, alternatively, "goddamn this is good." Cheese is produced from the curdled milk of an animal. While this animal is most commonly a cow, other animals are also used, such as goats, sheep, reindeer, and water buffalo (I'm not even kidding about this one). It would seem that you can make cheese out of any type of milk. That's right: your mom is a potential cheese source. I hope you think about that every day for the rest of your life.
Unlike other lame foods that can only be eaten one way (for example, cardboard), cheese has many different ways of being consumed. For example, cheese can be eaten plain, by itself. It can be eaten in slice form, chunk form, string form, or even rolled into a huge ball. It can also be eaten in spray form (all hail Easy Cheese, king of sprayable foods). If you want, you can melt it into a sauce and drink it. I don't know of anyone who's tried to consume it intravenously, but once I get some Vermont cheddar and a needle, it's on.
Cheese is also a crucial ingredient in many other more complex foods, such as macaroni and cheese, grilled cheese and pizza. These tasty foods would be nothing without cheese (in fact, they would be macaroni, grilled bread and baked bread with tomato sauce, all of which sound pretty lame). In addition to being an important food ingredient, cheese also makes a dandy topping. You can pour cheese sauce on anything, and you've got an instant classic. While scientists have yet to decide whether Dr. Pepper truly makes the world taste better, I can tell you with absolute confidence that cheese, when applied correctly, can make everything delicious. Except broccoli. That vegetable is beyond redemption.
So, it would appear that cheese is the perfect food. And yet, in the face of all this overwhelming evidence, there are actually people who don't like cheese. In fact, there are even people that go so far as to hate cheese. These cheese-haters are seemingly normal people, easily able to blend in with the rest of sane society. You've probably walked past them and not even known it. You may have even talked with them. In fact, you may be friends with a cheese-hater, or even related to one. I know, it scares me too.
I talked with one such cheese-hater, who will be known here as "Jennings." A sophomore at Hopkins, Jennings is a typical JHU student: belligerent and Republican.
"I hate all kinds of cheese, except pizza cheese," says Jennings, whose hatred of liberals is eclipsed only by his disdain for dairy products. "I hate how Wolman insists on making cheeseburgers but not hamburgers. I hate how there's four billion different kinds of cheese, and I never know which one is which because I hate them all."
The other day, Jennings ordered a cheese fries appetizer at Ruby Tuesday's, but with "just a little bit of cheese, because I don't like cheese, but I need some cheese to make the bacon and ranch dressing sticky." However, the restaurant failed to meet his demands.
"There was just too much cheese," says Jennings.
As you can see, Jennings has no tolerance for cheese (or left-wingers). What could have caused this irrational hatred? Did something traumatic happen in his childhood? Was a family member killed in a tragic cheese-related accident?
Of course not. Cheese would never hurt anyone (cheese is a pacifist). The sad truth is that there is no explanation. Cheese hatred remains yet another scientific mystery, much like why yawns are contagious, or how the author of this column is so incredibly attractive. However, despite its detractors, cheese is and will always be an essential part of the global cuisine. It is the universal constant. Whatever country you're from, whatever language you speak ??? chances are, you like cheese. Oh, and you probably hate the United States.
What lies in the future for cheese? Will cheese rise above the realm of mere food and begin to dominate other industries? Will there ever be buildings made of Monterey Jack? Airplanes made of Asiago? Cars made of Colby? No, of course not. That's just stupid. However, cheese is an awesome food, and it's my favorite thing in the world. I mean, besides women, drugs and sex. Which I'll get back to writing about next week.
Matt Diamond has the blue box blues and can be contacted at PianoMattD@aol.com.
