Sure, each relationship is different. Each arrangement of strong feelings and bonds between men and women involve different circumstances and bloom from different sources. But certain common mistakes plague almost all relationships and draw fascinating portraits of the thought processes of normal college males and females. Females in particular seem to draw upon similar wells of inaccurate assumptions, regardless of the facts of their relationships.
For an average college male in a relationship, his biggest challenge is fighting against a girl's preconceived notions. For years, girls have been reared on romantic movies and television, watching statuesque and sensitive iconoclasts like James Dean or Luke Perry desperate for the right girl to anchor them. These childhood snapshots of love and relationships become formative for girls, often driving them to compare moments of their relationship to a scene in "Sleepless in Seattle," never mind how baseless or inaccurate the comparison.
Most girls are focused on the idea of a relationship or a boyfriend. Rather than base their decisions on trust or understanding, college girls often enter relationships based on instinct. Many more guys have been held up to the standard of a good first kiss than a good, long-term companion. Of course a girl has a chance of landing a prince by following her gut, but few enter successful relationships without courting a couple of jerks first.
So how should girls judge whether a guy is relationship material? Try asking other guys. Guys realize which of their friends would cheat on their girlfriends and which of them wouldn't. They know the safe bets, the caring and honest guys, and they know the dirt bags, the liars and the insecure.
Why do guys have such an acute sense of each other? Competition is a reason. For many guys, it's important to size up one another. But guys spend a large portion of time together that does not involve them trying to get laid at the end of the night. There are no hidden agendas. Ask a girl you trust who is good girlfriend material and you might get a list of her desperate sorority sisters. But ask a guy you trust who he'd go to bat for and he'd deliver you some all-star names.
So let's say you're a girl who's managed to enter a relationship, one that's gotten past the few initial crests and waves. What are you doing wrong now?
You don't want your boyfriend to be honest. If a guy dislikes your friends, you'd rather not hear about it. If he hates your taste in clothes or movies, you'd rather he kept it to himself. If he doesn't like the way you kiss, heaven help him if he brings it to light.
Most guys aren't artists. They can't express their truest feelings and package them in such a way as to remain totally benign. Discouraging a guy from expressing himself in an open matter fractures trust and hurts commitment. Sure there are a few dishonest guys out there, but take it as a good sign when your boyfriend tells you he hates your perfume. Down the line, he'll feel comfortable enough to tell you which of your "friends" was hitting on him.
You expect guys to understand your emotions. One of the worst moments in any relationship for a guy is seeing his girlfriend cry for the first time. It could be at the end of a stressful day, after a fight with a friend, or even after sex. Let's make it very clear: most guys associate crying with death. A guy must be eased into the notion that emotional responses are the norm for most girls and should be encouraged. While a guy might never become comfortable witnessing an emotional outburst, it should be expressed to him that certain reactions might have more to do with hormones or fatigue (especially hormones) than whether he left the seat up or not.
You don't tell him what he's good at. Most girls' think guys want to hear compliments about their body or sexual performance. There's nothing wrong with telling a guy he's a good performer, but make sure to complement the subtleties in your relationship. If a guy is sensitive, let him know you appreciate it. If he's honest with you, tell him how important that is. If he begins to understand you, let him acknowledge it. Anyone could compliment a guy on his athletic ability or how much he can bench, but only a girlfriend can compliment her guy on how happy or secure she feels with him.
You want diamonds. Maybe next month, honey.
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