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October 31, 2024

Things shouldn't go bump in the night - Orgasmic Chemistry

By Jess Beaton | December 4, 2003

I seem to have a typical college problem: my roommates engage in loud sex with their respective girlfriends on a very regular basis. While I don't want to begrudge them their fun, I think that they could be more respectful of others. Do you have any advice for them? (I know they read your column)

-Wishing I was Sexiled

Let me tell you about one of the worst nights of my freshman year. I had my own room, which was great, but one of my walls was shared with my suitemate's room, and another was shared with my RA. For two painful hours one Saturday night, I dealt with giggles and moans from one wall and bumping and grinding up against another -- I think you can relate, or ever worse get a visual to complement those sounds.

There is nothing wrong with your roommates trying to get some. The problem is the fact that they do it in front of you. I'm surprised if they haven't already asked you to leave the room. More importantly, why haven't you just gotten up and left? Being sexiled is not the best option in the world, but it's better than getting a front row seat to someone else's show. You should either risk the tension and ask your roommate and his girlfriend to leave, or get up and leave for your sake and theirs.

From the sound of your letter though, it seems like this is a frequent occurrence, and getting sexiled or getting off on uninvited voyeurism isn't something that should continue. The first thing to do is sit down and have a heart-to-heart with the guys you're living with. You probably should've done this in the beginning of the year, but you guys need to set some rules and create a system so you'll know when the room's being put to good use and will allow you to avoid the situation that you're currently living with.

Some the basic topics to cover are rules on how and when people can sexile and your schedules. You'd be amazed how well things can be avoided with some good planning.

First sit down with your schedules, and say when you will be sleeping and working in the room the night before a major exam. If one of your roomies needs some stress relief that night, he and his girlfriend will have to try somewhere else. Also, if you have a large block of classes, you might want to point that out.

You should also talk about weekends or any other times when you or your roommates might be away. Keep in mind that sex does not need to always happen at night: college is a time to get creative. Just think of this as a push in the right direction.

Secondly, create a code, any code, but just something that will prevent you from walking in and seeing a bare butt in the air. Sock or towel on the door, smiley face on the whiteboard, a sign that says, "having sex do not come in." As long as you can all agree on something, it'll make living together a lot smoother.

Finally, there's a limit to the number of times in a week someone can sexile. Especially with three guys, even everyone doing it only once means that you need to find another place to sleep two nights a week. One idea would be to work out a first come first serve type thing on the weekends, and a no sex during the week policy. If you all have days you think you'll get lucky, divvy the week up like that (although you should be careful not to put pressure on yourself). Whatever way you try, set up a system so when someone tries to kick you out of your room for the fourth time that week, you'll have something to point to -- most likely the door.

If all else fails, talk to your RA; that's what they're there for. This should only be a last resort, after you have sat down and talked with your roommates. Your RA might be able to facilitate some agreement or help you or one of your busy roommates into a single or another room with a roommate who better fits your/their style of living.

A friend of mine once told his roommate that the next time he brought his girlfriend over he'd just say, "You know, you are a lot bigger than the girl he brought back last night." Even if your roommate wants sex, a comment like that will keep away most willing accomplices.

Joking aside, if your roommates had any sense of decency they would not be having sex while you were in the room. At the same time, they are not completely at fault if you don't speak up. So say something. I wouldn't recommend the cracking a fat joke at the girl (that'll get you in so much more trouble than you're looking for), but tell them that they can't do it anymore. You and your roommates should listen to each other's concerns, not just to each other getting busy at night.

Editors' Note: In this weekly column, Jess Beaton will discuss her own knowledge and answer sexual and relationship questions on any topic.

The columnist is not a trained medical professional. If you seek professional medical advice, please consult your physician.


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