My girlfriend is really quiet during sex. She says she enjoys sex, but she is pretty passive. Is there something I'm missing? Does quiet mean unsatisfied? What's wrong?
-- Listening
Step one: Put down the porn. I know it's difficult, but it'll make life a lot easier for both you and your girlfriend. Not that I have anything morally against the porn industry, but it does give a lot of false expectations.
One of these myths is that every girl should be hitting 120 decibels every time you play "hide the salami." Let's just say that it's not true to life. Feedback is good, but asking a girl to go hoarse every time you need some encouragement isn't necessary. I'm sure you could work out a gold star system or something, but putting it all on her lung capacity might be a bit much.
Some girls are natural screamers. I had a friend last year and when his girlfriend came over everyone in the dorm knew about it (and I didn't even live there). That, however, is not the norm, and isn't exactly what most people want when living in buildings with very thin walls. So before you get upset about your girlfriend being quiet, try to assess whether your expectations are realistic and if your neighbors would appreciate being able to hear the play by play.
Step Two: It's your turn. I would be willing to bet that you're not exactly letting loose either. I've generally found that guys expect a lot of feedback (screaming, eyes rolling back in one's head, seeing visions, etc.) but don't really give much in return unless asked. Look at your own behavior. If you're not giving your girlfriend the feedback that you want for yourself, you could start by setting an example and give some gold stars of your own.
If you think that you've addressed these two issues and your girlfriend is truly passive in bed, you need to take a whole different approach. I've never totally understood dead fish syndrome, but it's something that I know affects a lot of girls. I can't see how being motionless and unemotional in bed can be entertaining or enjoyable for either person involved. Sex is only sex if you're both active participants, so if she's just taking up space it's to both of your benefit to talk things through. I would find it hard to believe that a girl is able to reach orgasm or even be mentally involved in sex from lying there -- it seems more conducive to reviewing her orgo notes than anything else.
Since you have already asked her directly what's wrong and haven't gotten very far, I would refer you back to what I said before and lead by example. When she does do something in bed that you like, show your appreciation. I'm not suggesting you scream "who's your daddy," but a happy groan or an occasional "oh yeah" will set a good precedent and not sound like the script from Debbie Does Dallas.
Doing your part is a good start but I doubt that it will totally solve the problem. There is some reason that your girlfriend does not enjoy or want to take an active part in sex. She could be intimidated, not very experienced or something/someone turned her off to sex before you started dating her. Maybe she's never had a good sexual experience and wouldn't know one if it fell into her lap (quite literally). In any event you're probably going to have to start from scratch.
First, go back to talking. Don't wait until you're looking for a condom and don't make it sounds like it's all her fault. Ask her again if she's enjoying herself, tell her you want to make sex good for her, whatever that means (I'm now assuming she doesn't have a closet fetish that you don't know about). If your girlfriend still insists that she's having a mind-blowing experience, ask her what you could do to make it even better for her. I'm pretty sure from your description that she's BS-ing you, knowingly or not; so asking her now to start responding in bed when she's doesn't seem to be feeling anything would set bad habits. When you're together, tell her that you want her to respond genuinely to what she feels, nothing more, and nothing less. Once she's comfortable you can work up to the groans/ooooh/ahhhs/name-screaming/porn dialogue, but right now you're playing in the wrong league.
I don't know how devoted you are to your relationship, but this also might be a time when you should step back from sex. I know it might sound a bit painful, but if she's truly passive, you could be doing a lot of the work yourself at the moment anyway. If you remember back to the good old days when you relied on foreplay, try it again. It needs to be about getting her used to and comfortable with sex.
Once you are able to reconnect with your girlfriend sexually, good sex (and dialogue) will come from there. It's up to both of you to decide whether you're happy with oooooooooh, ahhhhhhhhh, "yeah baby" or "Oh My G-d" or if you're going to work up something more. Either way, you need to take the baby step of wanting to be there; and remember to be careful what you wish for -- screaming the wrong name might make you long for silence again.
Editors' Note: In this weekly column, Jess Beaton will discuss her own knowledge and answer sexual and relationship questions on any topic.
The columnist is not a trained medical professional. If you seek professional medical advice, please consult your physician.
