The places to 'get down' on campus

Mathematician John Allen Paulos estimated the rate of people having sex per hour to be "about 15 million," in his March 1999 ABCNews column. That means there are approximately 250,000 people having sex every minute of every day. In the time it takes you to sit through a 50-minute IAP lecture, over 12 million people have done the deed.

And what have you done? You've learned that businesses drive issues, issues drive politics and politics could very well drive you insane. Multiply the number of sexual encounters happening by the 15 hours of class time a typical Hopkins student has per week, and that number is staggering (so staggering, I didn't bother to compute it).

So what does this all mean? Though you should not give up the Constitution to study the Kama Sutra, you could make better use of the precious minutes you have on campus outside the clenches of academia. What I'm saying is, don't wait for the sun to go down or for your roommate to fall asleep.

Follow in the footsteps of many of your fellow classmates and get busy in one of the many venues Homewood has to offer. Not only is it more exciting, it can lead to great adventures, good stories and even better security reports.

It's so last season

In a survey of my fellow students, it's been mentioned several times how "passé" getting it on in the library is. From comments like "everyone knows about the library" to "the library is so old," I get the feeling that the old MSE has seen its share of the "big O."

So while it is common knowledge that every study room and desk on D-level is tainted, it's probably not a bad place to start if this is your first time out of the bedroom. However, I think most people would recommend finding an alternate location, because of the depressing frequency of students in the stacks and the sheer amount of time you probably already spend there. Besides, who wants to eat, sleep, study and get laid in the same stuffy old building?

God Bless the Blue Jays

The all-time favorite I've heard so far is our very own 50-yard line. Yes, that's right, the big blue "H". I happen to know of one couple who has managed to accomplish this without arousing Hop Cop suspicion, so trust me, it's doable. In addition, you might bring some luck back to our (as of late) floundering football team. (Though they did start the season with six straight wins). Watch out for joggers and be sure to wear the appropriate attire.

If stepping on it means you won't graduate, I wonder what ?

Yes, that's right, I'm talking about the seal in Gilman Hall. It's yet another historic Hopkins landmark that may or may not have seen some libido action. Everyone is told on that first campus tour from the Blue Key Society that stepping across this great seal means you'll never get to shake Brody's hand under the big white tent. I have another theory: first, there are bigger things called "Orgo" which pose more of a threat to your diploma, and second, that the Blue Key Society is saving this spot for its own personal use. You be the judge.

There is one thing that would make this class more interesting ?

So you're probably bored to tears in Fluid Mechanics right? Here's how you make that class one of your favorites -- next Friday evening, take your date to the front row of that classroom and make it a night to remember. Not only will you be able to spend the next five weeks remembering your night of passion instead of listening to Professor Chen, you'll have one more reason to like the lower quad.

Movies are better this way

Who hasn't watched Shrek and gotten the urge to get it on? I've heard from several students that Shriver Hall auditorium, Hopkins' very own big screen cinema, is one of the best places to go. The seats are padded and you might just be able to catch a movie while you're at it.

Friendly and Fierce Competition

If the famous cutthroat Hopkins competition isn't living up to its reputation, here's one way you can kick it up a notch. I have a couple of friends who've made it a friendly game to see which couple can grace the most outlandish alcove. The best by far was the hallway behind P.J.'s pub, you know, the one that leads to the bathrooms? I don't know exactly how it was accomplished, but I believe that if anyone could do it, this couple could.

How about some beach ball?

So it is kind of a public place, I realize. However, the beach is one of the places where most Hopkins students make their best memories. Why not make a few more there? I recommend keeping it a nighttime escapade, but for the more daring, anytime between five after the hour and 45 after will afford you the least amount of spectators.