Learning to create the perfect profile

America Online Instant Messenger, or AIM, to particularly cool people, has revolutionized the way we communicate across the world. It's free, it's easy and this article is starting to sound like a commercial. AIM has made talking to people more convenient, and so much more. Now, instead of stuttering like a bumbling idiot trying to tell a funny joke, you can just leave it on your away message for people to "LOL" at during any time of the day. Plus, you can keep tabs on people you otherwise wouldn't care about or talk to by checking their away messages and profiles several times a day.

But wait! Not so fast there ... have you gotten so caught up in checking the profiles of your "friends" that your own profile has ended up as something people don't even bother to check? Perhaps you simply don't have any friends. Can't help you there. Or perhaps your profile sucks because you just don't know how to make one. That's where I step in. Here's your handy guide to making a generic AIM profile, so you can be as phat and fly as all the millions of AIM users out there.

1. At the top, put some funny quote or relevant message that is sure to make people think or laugh. This can also be an announcement, so people will see it first when checking your profile.

However: Leaving the same quote at the top of your profile is a definite no-no. Yes, it's sometimes hard to keep up with the latest "cool" thing, but you wouldn't want to be scorned by the rest of the AIM culture, now would you?

2. Next comes some sort of link, either to a Web site of something that you're involved in or something you find profoundly hilarious.

However: Leave out links to those stupid sites that freeze your computer or are supposed to "scare" you by suddenly creating a loud noise or scary picture. It's not funny, and you're being an annoying asshole.

3. Some people enjoy giving shout-outs to their friends. This can include funny quotes by friends or inside jokes.

However: This is an area that can be truly annoying. If your profile is full of useless quotes that nobody knows about, you've got a problem. What are you thinking? If less than 10 people know about the joke, there's no point in putting it on there. If you're going to put an inside joke on your profile, make sure it's going to be funny to more people than just you and the person who said it.

4. A cryptic quote is also needed. After all, you're not just some robot typing away on AIM, you're a real person with complicated feelings and probably a number of psychological disorders. Thus, a quote bitching about something or perhaps alluding to your disorder is good. A quote from a song, movie or play is usually acceptable.

However: Cats does not count as a play, Vertical Limit does not count as a movie, and anything by Ja Rule does not count as a song.

5. If you're not inclined to use a strange, deep quote, there are other options. If you're a funny person, a quote that would make people laugh instead of showing your deep, disturbed, true self is good. Many use quotes from the popular Saturday Night Live sketch "Deep Thoughts."

6. Another popular addition to an AIM profile is a "how well do you know me" quiz. There are several different Web sites where you can custom-make a multiple-choice quiz about yourself. Not only can you see who's taking the quiz, but you can also see who your true "friends" are by how well they did on the quiz.

However: If you're going to make a quiz, make sure people can get more than one question right. No one is going to know what size shoe you wear or what your hairstyle in third grade was. Keep it relatively simple, or people simply won't bother to finish your quiz.

7. Next comes the Greek letters. After all, we are college students, and that's all we're about when it comes down to it. So, put your letters at the bottom, in big, bold font and in the corresponding color of your fraternity or sorority.

8. To crown your perfect profile, you need a great away message. "I'm away from my computer right now" will simply not do. Something funny or a quote that actually relates to what you're doing at the moment is ideal. You can even make something dorky sound cool. For example, instead of saying "I'm studying for Orgo right now," you can say "I'm dorkin' it up. Word."

However: For God's sake, don't put your away message in another language. What the hell is this? I may have the time to look at your away message, but I certainly don't have time to translate your away message from Swahili to English. After all I'm a busy man. I have many other away messages to look at.

So now you can create an away message worthy of looking at. Now you can join the AIM elite with your fancy new profile that will make people laugh, cry and understand you on so many levels.