Getting sexiled? Get even

At one point or another, you will run into a roommate who will kick you out of the room just so he can get it on. So the next time you get sexiled the night before your Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves midterm, take some advice and drive your roommate insane with behavior he can't really get mad at you for! The list assumes you have little social respect in the first place and won't mind your roommate talking even more crap about you than he already does, you freak.

1. Play ingratiating music that will cause his grip on reality to be weakened.
My personal favorite is "In C" by Terry Riley. A seminal work of minimalism, this 45 minute piece features a warmly consonant repetition of 50 three C motifs. That means, while someone plunks out steady C's on the keyboard (for 45 minutes), you have different instruments also playing chords "in C." It's actually quite brilliant work, encompassing ceaseless activity, change within stasis, but your roommate will be too freaked out to notice.

2. When your roommate steps out to the bathroom, feel free to shut his music off and start playing yours.
After all, he's left the room, you now have command. If he makes a big deal about the fact you shut off his Guster, just say you thought he was leaving for a while, innocently, and then proceed to turn the song from step one louder every five minutes.

3. Turn the temperature in the freezer really high when he's keeping things like ice cream in it.
If your roommate gets pissed off, blame Hopkins and the fact they provided you with a defective mini-fridge. "Damn school, always nickel and diming us with their crap," you'll say, pretending to sympathize. Feel free to eat some ice cream before you do this; they won't know the difference. It's all soup to them.

4. Don't wear a shirt and/or pants.
Scratch yourself often and make noises to signify the relief it brings you. If your roommate decides to join you sans-pants, you've got problems this column cannot help you with.

This works best if your roommate has company over. If you've forgotten, and people are in the room while you're wearing clothes, don't worry, just take them off. Sit akimbo for maximum nausea inducement. This also works well if his parents are visiting. Sure, you may be a "boxers person" now, but it's never too late to switch to low-slung briefs!

5. Watch bad sitcoms; laugh loudly.
Who knew Will & Grace would cause you to go into hysterics with its witty, yet cogent send up of the homosexual condition in America? Eight simple rules for dating my teenage daughter? Eight simple ways for me to crack up every time John Ritter's on the screen. Let the laugh track be your guide. Belt out a few chortles when Dr. Becker acts surly to that blind guy from Swingers. Doing this without pants is an idea you should move forward with.

6. Sleep on the floor.
This one really used to freak my roommate out. In retrospect, I guess I can understand why. Complain that the mattress aggravates an old high school football (chess) back injury and that sleeping on the floor is the only thing that brings you relief. What's your roommate going to say? It doesn't matter. "Go to hell" is an adequate response in any situation.

7. Screw with the temperature gauge.
Try turning it to full heat while leaving the windows wide open. Complain that the room must be held at 60 degrees while sleeping because it ensures maximum body rest (this is actually true). But what do you care? You're sleeping in your boxers on the floor after a night of George Lopez.

8. Ask to borrow a book of your roommates; proceed to the bathroom.
Oh man, your roommate is either going to find this really normal, or be freaked the hell out. And that tells you a little something about their upbringing. This doesn't work as well with magazines, since, where else do people read magazines?

9. If your roommate ever begins to whistle, start singing, loudly and poorly.
Because what can they say? "Hey man, I was whistling here. I have the floor?" No, they'll just sit there and take it. It's not the type of thing you can really be mad at. Remember, unsaid social graces and common courtesies are yours to ignore.

10. Leave vaguely threatening away message in German.
Bauhaus lyrics work well for this one. Use a web translator like AltaVista's Babelfish and discover how creepy a guttural language can sound. A message like "That '70s Show is the pinnacle of man. Beware pagans of the wrath you will soon face." translates nicely into "Daß Erscheinen '70s der Pinnacle des Mannes ist. Passen Sie pagans des Wrath auf, den Sie bald gegenüberstellen." Isn't that freaky? Look at all the strange letters!

Well, hope that helped. Only four or five of these tips should be used at once. Anything more would just be cruel. Not that some I'm discouraging it. Damaging your roommate's ability to think rationally is funny!