Big tobacco a cover for junk food - The Cock Block

I'm going to suggest something in this column space that may sound far-fetched at first, but if you bear with me I think I'll have you convinced by the time you're done. The premise, although somewhat fantastic, is also plausible: the much-maligned bad health effects of tobacco are only a front for the real evil - junk food.

Who am I to know all this, you ask? Well, it's not your place to ask, and nobody requested your opinion. Just shut up and listen.

Consider: misdirection is an extremely effective method of population control. It's clear that Americans are increasingly less and less healthy, yet how are we to know what is the precise cause of our malady? It could be anything. Most of us aren't public health majors, so we don't know what it is that causes today's health problems. Maybe there's an additive commonly used in cheese that causes all that obesity. Fat. Maybe there's something added to all the bottled water that causes increased rates of cancer.

Well, friends, we've been told that it's big tobacco that's responsible. At first, it seems like a fairly reasonable premise. People who smoke a lot are always coughing up phlegm, doubling over in fits of hacking cacophony. And they smell, too. Nobody who doesn't smoke likes the smell of tobacco smoke. Plus, their teeth and lungs get stained. You all have seen those pictures of a smoker's lungs versus a non-smoker's lungs, I'm sure.

Okay, fine, so that all seems pretty straightforward. But get this: how do we know it's the tobacco that causes the blackened lungs? Might it not be (gasp) - JUNK FOOD?!?!??!

Yes, that's right, junk food. Allow me to explain: nobody suspects junk food. It's all very sinister. First, the junk food industry realized that nobody was really aware of junk food's deleterious effects. That was what allowed the industry to get it's amazing start. That and the fact that junk food just tastes good. Mmmm. My personal favorite is Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

But that's besides the point!

Eventually, the junk food industry realized that sooner or later, people might wise up to the bad effects of junk food. So they had to create a way to distract the American public. Therefore they set up tobacco companies.

But - and this is crucial - tobacco companies had to become so huge and all-powerful that they could serve as a viable scapegoat later on, a few decades hence. Thus Big Junk Food established Big Tobacco.

Years later, it began to come out that tobacco was bad for you. How did this revelation come about? I'm not 100 percent sure, but I'm pretty sure that it was "leaked" by some so-called whistle blowers within the industry.

A likely story, I'm sure! More likely is that this information was "leaked" by Big Junk Food. You see, they realized with the increasing awareness of health in America that sooner or later people would begin to question why so many of us get lung cancer, etc. Therefore Big Tobacco was stuck with the blame before anyone could point an accusatory finger in the direction of Big Junk Food.

See how it works? Now Big Tobacco is forced to pay massive health bills, lawsuit costs and so on, while Big Junk Food skates by, still causing all the problems that have been pinned on the scapegoat of Big Tobacco.

Now, loyal readers of The Cock Block, I'm sure you're thinking to yourselves ... actually, I'm probably overestimating the intelligence of my audience. In any case, some people have tried to poke holes in my theory, pointing out that the obesity caused by junk food and its bad effects on our health has been well documented.

True, it has been. But if junk food is so commonly acknowledged to cause one health problem, then surely it couldn't cause any others. ... Or, could it? See, that's the maliciousness of Big Junk Food's scheme. Nobody ever thinks to question them, and everybody is none the wiser.

Why is the media so silent when it comes to Big Junk Food, but not when it comes to Big Tobacco? Is that because Big Junk Food has strategically placed people within the news industry? I don't have any evidence on hand right now that proves this point, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to assume that that's exactly what has happened.

And what about the "healthy" variants of junk food - Olestra, et. al.? Well, first, I should note that they're not all that healthy. Olestra has been reputed to cause "loose stools" and even "anal leakage." Remember when all the kids in grade school used to pick on you and call you "skidmark"? Admit it, you do. Well, if you want a nostalgic return to those days, just open up a nice big bag of Olestra chips.

But back to the creation of Olestra itself. That's all about Big Junk Food trying to maintain an image of caring for its consumers. It's as if they're telling us, "See? We're not like Big Tobacco. We care about you. Here, eat. Eat some more. EAT! MWAHAHAHAHA!" And so on, and so forth.

Allow me to conclude by noting that as outlandish as all this may sound to your na?ve ears, I can't take credit for it all. In truth, the reality of Big Junk Food's sinister conspiracy was first revealed to me by a friend whose name I'm afraid to mention. Big Junk Food has big friends, big important muscle-covered friends, who on occasion are predisposed towards behaving violently. Sometimes they even do. One time I saw them kick a dog. I wouldn't want to be that dog, and I wouldn't want any of my friends to be that dog, either. I don't want to endanger more people than I need to. Just remember: it's not tobacco, it's Nabisco!