Van drivers scour Baltimore - From break-ups to drunks, Hopkins van drivers witness it all

While the weather sucks and the meal plan may rob you blind, you can always count on help at Johns Hopkins - from the security van drivers. Ah, the heroes of Homewood, always available to take you to Superfresh or Sammy - without them, most of us would be doomed to wander the streets drunkenly on the weekends or do without groceries. Until 3 a.m., these guys are your ticket to anywhere in a one-mile radius. So who are these mysterious characters with the walkie-talkies? Why do they drive the vans? And what do they have to put up with to earn their pay?

Sophomore Dan Leone said, "I always have a great time when I'm out there, especially on the weekends. To me this is the best job to have on campus because you get to meet all sorts of interesting people. Through van driving, I feel in touch with the Hopkins community because everyone here rides the van eventually."

Plus, Leone likes having "a bigger badder ride than all those people out there in their Escalades."

James Hegi, a freshman van driver, has nothing but good things to say about his job: "If it's a slow night, I hang around with my super-cool walkie-talkie and chat with people. If it's busy, odds are I'm dealing with belligerent drunks or driving people to Superfresh at an hour not suitable for grocery shopping. Most of the time, driving is an uneventful experience, but on good nights, the ladies are out and drunk and 'sociable'. It's the first job I've had that I haven't desired to quit after several months."

Another van driver, who chose to remain anonymous, said, "There comes a time when important decisions have to be made: Can I really fit that many drunk people in my van? Should I drop this complainer off at 25th and Greenmount? Does Charles St. really have a speed limit? Do I just turn my radio off? Can I really make it to D.C. in 40 minutes? Sometimes it can be tough but for the most part it's a rewarding experience. We always get to be the first to find out which frat party is the lamest that night."

But despite all the perks, van-driving isn't entirely the utopian fantasy it seems. Van drivers deal with it all, including the seediest (and drunkest) that Hopkins has to offer. Their stories range from the goofy to the pathetic to the downright creepy. Leone said, "I once had a passenger break up with her boyfriend while they were riding on my van."

He also said, "One time I picked up a couple of guys who had a large bag with a long, skinny object about the size of a person inside it, but with too many sharp corners. The guys put it in the back of the van and got in. I dropped them off at a rowhouse with all of the lights off where they quickly jumped out of the van and both of them carried the bag up to the door and went inside. I sat parked outside the house for a couple of minutes to update my log and before pulling away, I noticed that none of the lights in the house had been turned on."

Not surprisingly, the best stories have to do with weekend drunkenness. One van driver, who chose to remain anonymous, said, "I think it always makes for a good laugh when I find a group of anywhere from five to 15 people at SigEp or SAE or Pike who want to be picked up. The truly humorous part comes when I arrive back at the same fraternity 15 to 20 minutes later only to drop the group of not-so-sober people off at the same place with a good percentage never realizing that they made a net travel of zero, but still thanking me for going out of my way for them. I am also entertained by people who want to be picked up by the van but then forget either their own address and/or directions to their place. Do they leave their houses blind-folded?"

Leone said, "I had the van almost completely full one night when a very intoxicated guy walked up to my van when I was stopped and asked if I could take him to Phi Psi. I told him yes, so he went to the side door and saw that the van was packed, so he went around to the back door, opened it up, climbed over the seat and sat down. I let him off before the others, so he also exited the van by using the back door."

One van driver said, "My funniest experience would be either when an unnamed fellow van driver decided to test the capacity of the vans to run over things or when we picked up drunken Towson girls and scoped out those we didn't. Or when, hypothetically, two drivers picked up a downed fire extinguisher, and planted it in front of the Johns Hopkins University sign down below the MSE library, then drove by it for the rest of the night, laughing."

Strangely enough, several van drivers wouldn't divulge the secrets of their trade to me or chose to remain anonymous. Some agreed to talk to me, but their stories were "unprintable." So, if you're out on a Friday night and sober enough to take in what's going on, pay attention to your fellow travelers in the vans - they're probably a good source of entertainment. And don't forget to thank your friendly van driver.