The Infomercial Quiz

Although an infomercial has never convinced the QM to pull out her credit card and complete her life with a product she saw on the tube, she has often wished that someone else would buy such a product for her. No matter how ridiculous a product might be in reality, an infomercial can convince even the greatest of minds that, really, that product is just the thing one has been missing. Like that hand held plastic bag sealer, whose sealing ability is demonstrated by filling a Ziploc bag with water and then sealing off an inch-long section, all without spilling a drop! In reality, the QM knows that she would tire of such a gadget in less time than it takes to seal up a bag of Fritos, but she still can very readily imagine sitting on her couch at 3 a.m., watching infomercials and sealing different shapes out of water-filled Ziploc bags.

With the appearance of classes on such pop-culture icons as Keanu Reeves and Drew Barrymore making headlines at some of the nations larger universities, the QM is somewhat surprised that there has yet to be a [well publicized] class about the infomercial ? the different genres (cooking, cleaning, beauty, fitness, money making), the different inventors and their celebrity guests, the testimonials, the thrown-in freebies for "calling now" ? the QM, for one, would be among the first to sign up for such a course. Lacking that option, however, the QM decided on the next best thing, which was to whip up a quiz about the completely fascinating, often bizarre and sadly overlooked information commercial. Thus, don't fail to complete The Infomercial Quiz!

Get your answers in by 5 p.m. on Tuesday. You can bring them in to the office, e-mail them to news.letter@jhu.edu, or fill out the quiz online (at http://www.jhunewsletter.com). The winner gets $10 worth of goodies from our sponsors, Eddie's Market and Eddie's Liquors on the 3100 block of St. Paul.

1. The QM's hand's down favorite infomercial ever to grace the late-night airwaves is that for the Juiceman Juicer. She has not gone so far as to actually purchase, said Juicer, but that does not prevent her from imagining the great and juicilous world which might await her once someone breaks down and buys the Juicer for her. Carrot juice, berry juice, asparagus juice ? and the fun shouldn't stop at produce. Why not cashew juice? Snickers juice? Hot dog juice? It is not only the possibilities of such a product that excite the QM's sensibilities. How could anyone not like a product whose spokesman looks like he is harboring an endangered species of caterpillar in place of his eyebrows, who speaks of the all-healing power of juice with a reverent seriousness usually reserved for discussing the end of the world? What is the Juiceman's name?

2. Like any good infomercial man, the Juiceman is not without his catch phrase. According to him, there are two paths in life: the juicing path and the non-juicing path. What pithy statement sums up what fate waits at the end of these two non converging roads?

3. Another late night favorite is the "set it, and forget it!!!" guy, otherwise known as Ron Popeil. With the prerequisite enthusiasm of an infomerical man, Ron Popeil convinces his audience that whatever it is that their tongues desire ? ribs, game hens, salmon fillets ? will not only be more desirable but quicker and easier if prepared in his cooking invention. The QM fully expects that, one day, Ron will air a segment of the infomercial where he reveals that the succulent steaks the audience is salivating over is actually a sliced work-boot smothered in A-1, which, thanks to the wonders of his invention, now rivals a slab of pure Angus beef. Really, the QM feels, it is only a matter of time. What is the name of the machine which you can set and then forget?

4. George Foreman is the fighting force behind one of the most popular infomercial products ? the QM knows people who have not only purchased his grill but who swear it was worth every cent. Before he became a grill and muffler man, George Foreman was, of course, twice the heavyweight boxing champ of the world. Name the two boxers from which he reclaimed the title.

5. Most infomercials air between the hours of 3 and 6 a.m., leaving loyal infomercialites 21 hours a day during which they are left to their own devices. As it often happens, such people start jonesing for their television-buying fix before the 21 hour dry period has hardly begun. For these people, QVC and HSN are a temporary, soothing methadone for their addiction. Although not infomercials in the strictest sense, such channels feature loudmouthed junk jockeys hawking products without which life, they insist, would be a pointless void. Although they lack the live audience, QVC and HSN provide a round-the-clock infomercial fix. What do "QVC" and "HSN" stand for?

6. On which soap opera did Richard Simmons (of "Deal-a-Meal" and "Sweating to the Oldies" fame) appear?

7. If you run a razor over your lathered legs to rid your extremities of unwanted hair, then yor're living in the Stone Age, mate! What is the vaguely testicular name of the Australian born green taffy-like goo that is supposedly so gentle, it could remove the hide from a permed grizzly without waking the animal from its winter hibernation. No heating, no chemicals, quick easy and painless, it's ? what?

8. Aside from being a great way to furnish your apartment without ever leaving the couch, infomercials also serve as a sort of Purgatory for minor celebrities. Match the famous person to the product they help sell.

a. Dick Butkus 1. Expressware Infusion Cooking System

b. Florence Henderson 2. Zappa Music for Pets

c. Ellen Degeneres 3. Kwik-Cook Grill

d. Bob Eubanks 4. Prolong Engine Treatment

e. Lee Majors 5 Bio-Back

9. The basic selling point behind all the products sold via infomercial (if one wanted to be picky, they could point out that, really, that is the point of most products sold everywhere else as well ? but who wants to be picky?) is that the product in question will immediately improve the life of whomever is wise enough to purchase it. You'll cook better meals faster and lower in fat; you'll sleep deeper and sounder; you'll be able to grate cheese on your abs and crack nuts between your butt cheeks (all in only ten minutes a day!), etc. etc. etc. One of the creepier infomercial genres, in the QM's opinion, is the one featuring middle-management types extolling the virtues of such-and-such get rich quick program, whereby they work fourteen minutes a week selling condemned houses and make three times their nine-to-five salary. Creepy. Do you change the channel when you happen upon one of these infomercials?

10. What product is that Billy Blanks the spokesperson for, (other than Subway)?

11. One thing the QM is confused about is Miss Cleo. Is she an infomercial or just a really long, infomercialish commercial ? an infominimercial? Whatever the answer, the QM feels that she deserves a spot in the quiz ? from what island does Miss Cleo claim to derive her oft-faltering accent?

12. Sometimes, like when you are drunk and find it difficult to get off the couch, find a phone with which to call in your infomercial order proves impossible. Waking up the next morning in a puddle of vomit, you might think that you might have lost your chance of ever owning whatever product it was that struck your drunken fancy. But no! There is a place on-line where one is able to buy most any object that they might have seen on TV - what is the name of this site?

Tie-Breaker: Name as many infomercial products as you can.

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