Rules are oppressive, annoying - The Cock Block

The word "cheating" can have many different meanings, and there are many different connotations the word raises. A quick google.com search raised the basics: video game cheats (by far the leading category, since it is after all the Internet we're talking about), cheating on one's spouse and of course academic cheating. But my quick search turned up easily over a million hits - does this say anything about our society? Is cheating so "wrong," as those moralists and professors in the Philosophy department (well, except the crazy moral relativists, but I don't know anybody who actually listens to them) tell us, or is it just as acceptable as any other activity generally accepted as moral in the hustle and bustle of the modern world, such as lying and stealing?

The answer I know you've all been waiting for - yes, cheating is perfectly okay. First, video game cheating - I don't know anyone who regards this as a serious moral issue. Sure, you're depriving all those hardworking and sunlight starved programmers from the thrill of knowing that they stumped you good with a certain puzzle. And maybe you're even denying yourself the pleasure of beating Grand Theft Auto III without the ability to jump your car over oncoming squad cars and the occasional dragnet.

But do any of us feel bad for cheating on video games? Absolutely not. If God didn't want us to cheat on video games, he wouldn't have created all those Web sites with cheat codes on them! And if there's one thing my mom never told me but should have, it's that God is always right. (Okay, so I didn't have a particularly religious upbringing).

Alright, maybe video game cheating is a clearcut non-moral issue. What of the other types, though? Surely the negative connotations we have with the word "cheating" are in some way justified!

Let's tackle the thorny issue of cheating on one's spouse. Somebody, I forget who right now but it was probably someone famous, once said that God makes someone for all of us specifically and puts them on the Earth. Our job is as simple as finding that person - and you have your own verification for when this happens, because the joy of falling truly in love with your one true love is something that is unmistakable.

But folks, if there's only one person on the Earth just for you out of billions and billions, how good are the odds that the guy or girl you're with right now is that one? Not very good, I'll bet. What are the chances that at this young point in our lives - or even 20 years later - we'll have haphazardly bumped into this person?

It's a perfectly reasonable strategy to want to hedge your bets, in a sense. Sure, you're happy with whoever you're with right now (haha, just kidding, I know you're all Hopkins students and you're not with anybody), but think for a moment. How do you know you wouldn't be even happier with somebody else?

Of course, comparing the people you're romantically involved with is difficult when there's so much time in between hookups, I mean boyfriends and girlfriends, and all those "emotions" (I'm looking in your direction, guilt) just make the process more subjective. But you know how you can solve that problem, don't you? That's right. Do everyone at once! That way, you'll eliminate the time factor. And with heavy repetition of the cheating process, you'll effectively drown out that nagging conscience of yours.

Let's not stop there. Factor in that there isn't a perfect one to one ratio of guys to girls on this planet; clearly, God intended for some of us to do nothing but have casual liaisons and random hookups. (And now you know the origin of sororities). In fact, the more that I think about it, I think it's pretty clear that God actually intended for us to fool around on the side, and that's not just the lack of sleep talking. So I think we've dealt with the cheating issue as well - after all, who are you to defy God's will and concomitant wrath?

The last one we have to deal with is academic cheating. Ah, yes, the time-honored tradition of studying hard, and when realizing that that's for suckers, just joining a frat and looking at past tests. Is there anything wrong with this, from a moral standpoint?

Of course not. If I've learned nothing else at Hopkins - and I haven't - it's that college really doesn't matter. I, like many people, am an International Relations major. Now, most of the things they teach us just aren't the way the world works. I mean, in IR theory classes, it's actually a commonly accepted theory that democracies don't go to war with each other. On the face of it, this may be true, but I think we all know what's really happening - they're too busy conspiring to oppress the third world to do anything else.

But if you choose not to believe my neo-leftist pseudo-intellectual propaganda, there are plenty of other examples to pick from. You'll have to dig them up yourself, though, because I'm too lazy.

Anyway, in the end cheating is perfectly okay. You'll never get caught, and if you do, you can just get out of it most of the time by cheating some more and bribing whoever it is that caught you.