I want money: The 2002 Provost's Undergraduate Research Awards - Fear And Loathing At Hopkins

I want money, and I want it bad. While some of you plebeians have turned to on-campus employment or nagging to mommy and daddy for additional cash, I have discovered an easier and more reliable way of getting that little bit of extra currency: The 2002 Provost's Undergraduate Research Award.

That's right. For a little bit of thought and even less writing, you too can be one of the select few to win one of these awards. The Provost's Award was first started in 1993 to help undergraduates who needed funding for their research. The thinking behind this award is that it helps students interested in research get a handle on how to write proposals, gain funding, conduct research and report the results.

Faculty sponsors are supposed to assist the student in honing these research goals, and hence produce a better student, able to enter the world of academia, fund raising skills in hand, test tubes set at the ready, fingers at the trigger, etc. etc. Roughly 60 undergraduates win this award each year (one for Summer and one for Fall) statistically meaning that there's a good chance that you could too win, err, earn a Provost's research grant.

Past grantees have studied everything from Gene Polymorphism to issues of race and identity in Melville's Moby Dick.

Now, here's the kicker: $2,500! I'll write this number longhand, for it bears repeating: Two-thousand, five hundred dollars and zero cents, United States legal tender. Being the nice guy that I am, I've decided to collaborate with my personal physician, Dr. David Priapism, and bring you a fast and easy guide (conveniently before the March 8 application deadline), explaining the ins and outs of trying to get this award.

I have noticed, reading up on previous grant recipients, that this award is slanted towards undergrads studying the sciences. Don't let this get you down. I know nothing about science. At one point in time, I thought that Biophysics was the measurement of the velocity and torque of animals being thrown from buildings of various height. Since coming to Hopkins, I now know that Biophysics is in fact a very serious subject, having less to do with those pesky urban squirrels falling off trees in the main quad.

This guide will specifically serve to aid the various undergraduates who study humanities in the School of Arts and Sciences. What are my qualifications? I have tried multiple times to get my rather important research funded and haven't succeeded once. I've learned from my mistakes.

Here's what you do:

SELECT A TOPIC TO STUDY

I have found in my various attempts to get this grant that a humanities student should select a topic that he a) knows nothing about or b) knows little about. Are you a Behavioral Biology major? Did the movie Stargate hold a special interest for you? Then a research grant in Egyptology is definitely in order.

SELECT A CATCHY TITLE

This step is perhaps the most vital in procuring a Provost's Award. First, the selection committee loves to hear you say that you want to study "issues." Therefore, research in the field of how much chocolate pudding you can eat should be titled 'Issues of critical levels of human consumption in the field of cocoa-based gelatinous desserts'.

Want to test your personal levels of grain alcohol consumption? "Issues in tolerance of pure ethanol". Want to train your pet iguana to balance a ping-pong ball on its head? Then "Issues in reptile mimicry with a focus on small spherical projectiles" is your best bet.

WRITE A PROPOSAL

When writing your proposal, don't feel bogged down by details like, say, if what you're proposing to do is humanly possible. For the first three pages, make sure to use the words "proactive" and "vital", not skimping on mentioning at least once per page that, dammit, you're studying issues.

FIND A FACULTY SPONSOR

Well, not necessarily a faculty sponsor, but definitely somebody who works at Hopkins. This includes members of the maintenance and janitorial staff, and, by extension, members of any institution that accepts J-Cash. Those friendly guys at Uni-Mini who make the great subs can support you and your endeavor to study international theories of badminton.

And once you've followed these steps and have been given this well-deserved award:

HEDGE YOUR BETS

What's better than $2,500? The four to one odds in Atlantic City, that's what. I have a Saab. It goes up to 150 miles per hour. We can be there in a little over an hour and a half.

INCORPORATE A TRIP TO MEXICO

Trust me, this is the most important step. After all, they have a fine Egyptology Department at the Universidad de Tijuana. Just tell them that Uncle Martin sent you. They should have a bottle of tequila, with the worm in it, waiting for you. Get a nice tan. Get sauced. Save me the worm. It's the least you could do in return for my advice helping you win the award.