When I recently received my phone bill for the first two weeks of school using the phone in my dorm, my decision-making process in buying a cell phone was shorter than the careers of the Baha Men.
Cell phones are extremely convenient and in some cases can be less costly than traditional phone plans. Plus, you can look like you're really important as you walk around talking on your cell.
But don't push it, buddy. There are plenty of things about cell phones that piss the hell out of me. Here are some rules that you should abide by if you own a cell phone.
Rule 1: If you wear a belt clip, you deserve to be shot.
That's right. That free belt clip that they gave you when you bought your cell phone? It should never leave the package. As a matter of fact, throw it out or melt it down into something useful.
Hey buddy, who do you think you are wearing your phone on a belt clip? Too important to put it in your pocket? What, you work for the secret service now? How about an earpiece and sunglasses to go with that?
Rule 2: If you're matching your
faceplate to your wardrobe, get a life.
What the hell is the point of faceplates anyway? It's just another way for phone companies to make more money. Ok, I'll be nice. If you own a cell phone with a colorful faceplate, you're ok. But if you own more than one faceplate or, god-forbidding, change your faceplate to match your outfit, shame on you.
I visited a Website that called faceplate compatible phones "the Volkswagen Beetle or iMac of cell phones." That just about did it. They're compared to the most annoying car in the world and the most annoying computer in the world? Must be a pretty damn annoying phone.
Rule 3: Headsets? only use them when no one is looking.
Recently, concerns have been raised about cell phone waves increasing the risk of brain cancer, especially with certain types of phones. Thus, the earpiece and microphone became important cell phone accessories. There's nothing wrong with that. Hey, who wants brain cancer? While driving or if making a call in your room, I would in fact recommend wearing an earpiece.
However, if you're in public, please don't use your earpiece. For the love of God. You look like a moron. It doesn't even look like you're talking to anybody. If you're trying to look important because you have a cell phone, you don't. In fact, I have less respect for you now. What a dork. Get out of my face before I grab your little headset and smash it on the ground.
Now, if you want to look cool, you have to start receiving calls. No one is gonna think you're cool just because you can call other people.
My brother Erick recently lectured me on how to use my cell phone correctly: "In order for one to be cool, you've gotta first have an annoyed look on your face when the phone rings like, 'God, I'm too important for this.' Then take out the phone from your pocket without even looking at it, stick your thumb in the opening, flip it open, and press 'send.' If you don't have a flip phone, just press 'send.' But you can't look, that's the most important thing.
If there's an antenna you just bite it with your teeth and pull it up. It's not cool just to say 'hello'- say something like 'yo,' 'talk to me,' 'go' or your last name when you answer."
So, if you're shallow enough to hope to make friends by buying a cell phone and using my instructions , good luck to ya. All I'm trying to say is that the world would be a better place if people abided by the rules above. Ditch the belt clip, don't buy more than once faceplate and don't use a headset in public.
Please note All comments are eligible for publication in The News-Letter.