Why we're still better than they are - One man's decisive answer to U.S. News college rankings-related insecurity at the Johnny Hop: It's time to suck it up and deal!

First things first, comrades. U.S. News can take its stinkin' rankings and shove 'em up David Gergen's ample arse. In the country, we're 16th-best, huh? Slightly less-adequate than Washington U., eh? We built the frickin' proximity fuse (it won us World War II, people!), and this is the thanks we get.

To arms, Blue Jays. These so-called journalists have sullied our fine school's reputation once too often. It's time we get some payback.

The worst indignity of all? Somehow, we've managed to be left below a certain eight schools that seem to have acquired their sky-high reputations solely based on the shrubbery upon their walls and the Puritans who founded them. That pesky Ivy League strikes again.

Don't get me wrong, people. I'll give credit where it's due. Harvard, Princeton, Yale . fine schools all. I hear they occasionally even do some learning at these joints, in between WTO protests and Ralph Nader rallies. Besides, their alums control the most influential secret societies in the known world, so you've got to give them much (if grudging) respect. If they can get Georgie-boy elected, what can't they do?

But Penn at No. 5? Columbia at No. 9? What in the name of all-that's-holy is Cornell doing at No. 14? Somebody call Johnnie Cochran because, baby, we got robbed.

Penn is in the middle of West Philly, a crime-infested hole that makes East Balto look like Fantasyland. This is the place that ran Will Smith out of town on his sorry, hip-hop tail. Columbia is archaic enough to make its undergrads take swimming lessons. I fear anyone falling into the East River would find them of little aid.

And what can I say about Cornell that isn't frightening? That infamous bridge of theirs makes its own joke by now. The school is buried in upstate New York, the Mid-Atlantic's answerto Mississippi. While we've got the world's greatest hospital in our fold, they've got the world's finest school of Hotel Management and Hospitality. So we've got doctors, and they've got bellboys. Not even close.

But I needn't tear down these other universities to prove our superiority. As much as we've made a science of complaining about Hopkins, most undergraduates acknowledge our school's inherent greatness. Heck, it's been over two weeks since they've arrived, and most of the freshmen still haven't considered transferring to Towson. That says something, people.

Remember the important things that remind us of our superiority to Ivy Leaguers. Write them down, tack them to your Day-Planners and keep them handy when your fancy-pants cousin from Ithaca comes a-calling. Feel free to clip this column, for even easier access.

Sure, they've got Division I football, but our D-I lacrosse team actually wins games. Have you seen the pansies that play for these Ivy teams, anyway? They're reading Tolstoy on the sidelines, man. Our lax boys could teach 'em a thing or two about being college athletes - not only can they not tell Tolstoy from TollHouse cookies, but most can barely even read past the third-grade level. Ah, functional illiteracy . now that's what college sports are really about.

Sure, the Ivies have much bigger endowments, but we can actually spend some of ours on merit scholarships. Thanks to Bloomberg and the Hodsons breaking out the checkbooks, quite a few of us get a hefty break on tuition. That only leaves us $30,000 a year to worry about, give or take an Orgo lab.

Sure, they've got four years' worth of campus housing for undergrads, but we've got the Master Plan. So what if construction turned Hopkins into a war zone and soured one year of my education? I'll take bricks over dorms anytime, baby.

Even our international students are far more interesting than our Ivy League competitors'. Where else can undergrads spend hours of enjoyment fleeing hordes of sketchy Turks in dank, frat house basements? Not at dear ol' Harvard, that's for sure.

Fear not, friends. Things may be looking up for us. At least someone up there seems to have corrected the greatest injustice of all. Finally, Brown U., that bastion of Birkenstocks, hash pipes and four years' worth of pass/fail semesters, no longer towers above Hopkins on the list. While sharing a spot with them still leaves a nasty taste in my mouth (sort of like alfalfa), it's a small measure of fairness, at least. Besides, we'll get 'em next year.

In the end, so what if U.S. News dissed us? We know how cool we are.

Just slightly cooler than Emory.