Oh, to be young again. It's hard not to look back on freshman year and think of what might've been. Indeed, thinking about the damage I could've done (to myself and others) knowing then what I now know, it brings a tear to my eye.
True, Baltimore is hardly a college student's paradise. (Unless you're from Kansas. Right, Chung?) But there are certain experiences, certain flavors that are just so very Bawlmer that you're unlikely to ever witness the likes of them again.
But where to begin, you ask? I humbly submit a few suggestions. Admittedly, not all of them are necessarily things you can't do anywhere else. Some aren't even that much fun. They are, however, experiences that, when you're crossing that stage in cap and gown, will allow you to look back and say you've seen and done everything Hopkins had to offer.
Why only 30 things? Because Brody wouldn't let me have any more. Here goes:
1. See the sunrise from the President's Garden. So what if years of industrial pollutants have turned Balto's nighttime sky an unseemly orange? There's hardly a better way to top off an evening of drunken revelry than to pitch a tent in Brody's backyard with your buddies and stare peacefully at the sky until the sun's shining over the treetops. (Just try not to pass out . those automatic sprinklers are a rude alarm clock.)
2. Take someone for a ride in the MSE stacks. Cliched? Maybe. Exhibitionism at its worst? Probably. A story for the ages? Definitely. Many have tried, few have succeeded. Helpful hint: The D-Level study rooms offer sound-proof privacy and really big tables. Looking for a real challenge? Try it on A-Level. During finals.
3. Share a six-pack on the Beach. Time was, not so long ago, when that big patch of grass in front of MSE was more than just a hangout for sunbathers and Frisbee studs. Weekend nights once meant undergrads turning the Beach into an all-night fiesta complete with slammin' music and an endless supply of booze. But don't mourn for days gone by, friends. honor the spirit of Hopkins past with a few friends and a half-dozen cans of Milwaukee's Best. Take care to avoid the Hop Cops. Bonus points: Ask them to join you.
4. Stick around for the Preakness. As close to Mardi Gras as you'll get in this town. Alas, this leg of horse racing's Triple Crown takes place late enough in May that most undergrads have already high-tailed it out of town before the party even gets started. Crash at a friend's house for a few days, if you must . and be sure to get to the track early to avoid standing behind a dozen rows of mullets in the infield.
5. Go on the road with the Lax team. No doubt the atmosphere at Homewood Field during lacrosse season is electric. But with a packed stadium of fans cheering on the Jays, what does your lone voice really matter? True fans will take their show where our boys really need it, on the road. Sitting in the visitors' section up at Princeton or at UVA is thrilling for a hundred reasons, not least of which is the constant threat of getting pelted with beer cans by opposing fans. To be in the stands for an upset road victory, it's a small price to pay.
6. Spend a Monday night at Vaccaro's. Dig the sweets, do you? Maybe you just enjoy food-related challenges? This Little Italy bakery/coffee shop offers something for all tastes. Monday nights at Vaccaro's means all-you-can-eat desserts for $12. Try to match eating talents with Columbus and order up the Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria (three types of ice cream-laden waffles) in succession. Few have attempted it, even less have finished them off solo. At the very least, you can have plenty of coffee while you watch your friends gorge themselves.
7. Get your spook on at Fell's Point. Halloween ain't just for your younger siblings no more, kiddies. Here in Balto, All Hallow's Eve provides a worthy excuse to crowd into Fell's Point wearing weird-ass costumes and getting fall-down drunk. Then again, in this town, so do Wednesdays. That aside, perhaps only Detroit's "Devil's Night" madness compares to the legendary havoc going down at the Point every October 31. Just watch out for the guys in the trench coats. When they claim to be dressed as a "private dick," that's when you run for it.
8. Take a Writing Sems course other than IFP. Bitchy TAs and catty freshmen do not a true Writing Sems course make. Bring out the author within while working with some of the most talented profs this school has to offer. Spots in Tristan Davies' and Stephen Dixon's seminars are highly sought-after, but quite worth the trouble. You might even discover a hidden talent while taking a welcome break from the drudgery of Macroecon or Cell Bio. Who knows? If you're good enough, the WS majors might even make room for you on the Gilman steps.
9. Four words: History of the Automobile. Forget Computer Literacy. Drop Subatomic World. For shizzle, my nizzle, this class is the bizz-omb. Not only do you get to spend a semester reading up on classic autos, Dr. Leslie consistently manages to deliver stimulating, highly engaging lectures on a topic you'd never figure would make it out of Car and Driver. Vroom, vroom.
10. Walk out of an Orgo exam. So what if it'll ruin your GPA? Imagine the liberating thrill of rising up in the midst of an exam, handing your blank blue book to the professor and rolling right out with a grin spread wide across your face. Better still, picture the moment of terror you'll cause as everyone else in the room starts to suspect you've aced it in record time. Priceless, baby. What's that? You aren't taking Orgo? Try it anyway. It'll be that much more fun to screw with a class full of strangers.
11. Visit the Medical School. Face it . since you're here, your family and friends already assume you're a pre-med. You might as well see what all the fuss is about for yourself. Botched IAP exam got you feeling suicidal? Try volunteering for a research experiment. Bonus points: Steal a cadaver. Blame Wen Ho Lee.
12. Order a beer at E-Level. Old days: Easy as pie. Today: Hope someone smuggles one in under his hat. Tip: Wait 'til Lincoln's birthday, buy a stovepipe hat.
13. Get in the pit at an O'Malley's March concert. If you're lucky, the mayor himself may crack a guitar over your head.
14. Start an undergraduate publication. Hell, seems like everyone does these days, so you might as well too. Potential role-models: The Johns Hopkins News-Letter. Examples of what NOT to do: Charles Street Standard, Lorelei, Anagram and that weird one with all the foreign languages. It's chair, throw a bottle of Beaujolais along with a couple of textbooks in your knapsack and plant yourself in front of your favorite Picasso, Degas or Matisse. Bonus points: Hit on a security guard. Super bonus: Hit a security guard.
18. Spend an evening at Camden Yards. The coziest ballpark this side of Wrigley, the Yard is just a quick cab ride from campus. True baseball fans will be sure to catch one last glimpse of Mr. Ripken before he hangs up his cleats for good. To avoid any nasty intrusions by the Balto. City PD, wait until the Orioles are actually playing before dropping by.
19. Drive to Philly. Having spent over two centuries fixated with that little town to our south, Baltimoreans too easily forget that another metropolis lies barely an hour and a half to our north by motorcar. As cool as D.C. is, it can't often compare to the home of cheese steaks, the Flyers and (of course) Will Smith. Cruising South Street makes for a great Saturday night, the Museum of Art lets you relive your Rocky fantasy, and the TLA puts D.C. Live to shame any day of the week.
20. Make out on the roof of Wolman Hall. It's chancy to be sure. One badly-timed fire alarm and you could be set up for some big embarrassment. But if you manage to find the door to the roof unlocked, you'll find an unspoiled vista of downtown Balto. and a risk well worth taking.
21. Act in a Barnstormers production. Put those thespian skills learned over years manipulating parents, friends and lovers to good use up on the stage.
22. Play "Mystery Science Theater 3000," Hopkins edition. Cynicism is refined to new heights (depths) here at JHU. Nothing is sacred. See how you measure up. Beginners can try it during one of the Film Series' late shows. Advanced players, try it during an Econometrics or Phys Found lecture. Experts, during Commencement, while naked.
23. Do a jig on the Hopkins seal. We've all heard the story: Undergrad crosses seal, doesn't graduate, dies in "botched" Med School experiment. Don't believe the hype, people. Prove to yourself and the world that the only thing that'll keep you from graduating is your own laziness. Bonus points: Piss on the seal. During a Blue Key tour.
24. Shoot a game of pool at the Hopkins Club. Relive the days when college was classy and being a Hopkins undergrad meant you weren't just on your way to being a somebody, but were there already. Dress semi-formally, bring along your pearl-handled pool cue and walk in the front door like you own the joint. Slip the maitre d' a C-note and tip your hat to the waitress as you make your way up the winding staircase to the Billiards Room. Rack 'em up. set up the break and above all, people, be sure to make it look good.
25. Write for the News-Letter. I know what you're saying. Shameless. Pitiful. Makes a mockery of this institution. But let's leave Anuj Mittal out of this. Seriously, there's nothing quite like giving voice to your greatest concerns by putting them to paper. You certainly can't beat the feeling of seeing your name in print for the first time. And besides, don't you know N-L editors are the only people on campus getting laid? (Alas, much like SAE, it's by each other.)
26. Get a crabcake at Lexington Market. One of Baltimore's true institutions and one of the only places in the Western world where everything is still fried. Even cauliflower. Equal parts strip mall, flea market and Moroccan bazaar, the Market's easily accessed by cab, Light Rail or horse-drawn fruit cart. Thrill-seeker's variant: Get crabs at the Block.
27. Take a nice, long walk. Even this seemingly mundane task can be taken to new levels of excitement here in Baltimore. See how many times you and your pals can get from Homewood to Mount Vernon or the Med Campus and back before getting mugged. Try counting the number of times someone offers you some 'caine or asks for some change. For added fun, every time they do so, do a shot.
28. Stay in town for the summer. Once finals are through, the first thing on most people's minds is to get as far from this place as possible. But the funny thing is, once the responsibility of classes and extracurriculars is out of the way, Balto. gets kinda fun. The weather, so dreary during the school year, settles beautifully into the mid-70's and 80's. Spending Independence Day at the Harbor (think fireworks over Fort McHenry) really gets the patriotic juices flowing. And just when you think the Hampden chicks can't get any trashier, out come the tube tops and warm-weather mullets. Dude. Sweet.
29. Down a bucket of fries and wings at RoFo. The classic after-party snack. Indigestible in the daylight, nothing else hits the spot quite right after a night of Beast-fueled craziness. For kicks, try dousing them in RoFo's famous "Cheez Sauce." Sure, the preservatives will make you go blind and your hair will fall out, but it'll seem worth it at the time. Promise.
30. Make some noise, dammit. One thing about Hopkins, it's a very bookish school. While I'm all in favor of getting your learn on hard-core style, it's too easy to forget the bigger picture. Take a moment or two, flip through some leftist literature and find yourself a pseudo-liberal cause to latch on to. Recruit a group of wild-eyed grad students (they've got nothing better to do) and try to bother as many of your fellow undergraduates as possible by occupying administration buildings in between classes and incessantly chanting "Down with Brody, he's a phony" and other clever slogans that almost rhyme. Then, when the going gets tough, ride off in your Dad's Mercedes and let your movement collapse. In the meanwhile, they'll probably let you run the MSE Symposium.
The challenge is set. Good luck, folks. See you in May. If you make it that far.
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