A little touch of everything - Bit Theory

I have Poison on cassette tape and Millencolin on CD - how did I become a pop head? Very simply, I watch too much T.V. From this flows the "Bit Theory."

The theory of "Bit" is two-fold. The word "bit" can be used to define someone by his or her most dominant characteristic. If I ask you, "Who's that blonde-haired girl on Atlantic Records that sings all those sentimental folk songs?" you might not know. But if I ask you, "Who's the girl with the crooked teeth?" you'd be able to answer "Jewel" with ease.

Since this single characteristic becomes the central focus of every Jewel commentary, it ends up being known as her "bit." If another singer suddenly came along whose teeth were horribly misaligned, what would you say? "Not the ol' crooked teeth bit again!"

The other use of the word is in reference to a practiced routine. It's that one editorial that you feel the need to tell daily. It's the opinion that you constantly beta-test with the few friends who are willing to pretend that they "haven't heard this one before." These snippets of insight that you continually perform in your head until they can be conveyed without any argumentative flaws fall under a single classification - they're one of your bits.

This column is the offspring of every vile, brain-rotting media feed that comes into your living room. It's the charred ashes of every commercial jingle that's leeched deep inside your "freak." It's the unconscious tax on everything they're selling you. These are my bits, and I shall share them with you.

What you will find is a survey of music videos, commercials and other types of influences from popular culture. These bits will detail how artists and concepts are sold, who is and isn't pulling it off and the effect that this pop machine has on our minds at three in the morning. In the end, everyone is selling the same propaganda that U2 used to sarcastically proclaim: WATCH MORE TV.

In the wake of the recent terrorist attacks, Clear Channel Communications, the media conglomerate that controls nearly 1,200 radio stations and propagates the evils of the pay-for-play system - the purchasing of airtime by major record labels to promote their artists' releases, recently issued a list of more than 150 songs which they suggested be removed from programming. These were songs that included references to "explosions, terrorism, airplanes, skyscrapers, New York, the Middle East and even the day Tuesday." No more Drowning Pool's "Bodies," no more Alien Ant Farm's "Smooth Criminal" and absolutely no more songs by Rage Against The Machine. No more "Stairway to Heaven," no more "Another One Bites the Dust," no more "Rocket Man" and no more "Great Balls of Fire." And just in case you're calling into request "Walk Like an Egyptian," don't bother; it's on the list, too.

Since the music industry has offered up a complete resurgence of adult contemporary to replace some of these "objectionable" new releases, what band has been propelled by all of this? Those inexplicable phantom gods of pop rock, U2. As I was preparing to propose an alternate video release featuring a montage of the attack footage and rescue efforts for their now eerily ominous release of "Stuck In a Moment That You Can't Get Out Of," MTV took the reigns by creating a montage to "Walk On."

But how is U2 the biggest pop rock band in the land without possessing any semblance of a detectable fan base? Very simply: They're a war band. In times of tragedy, we seek inspirational songs that promote love - thus, the current rise of U2. But in times of prosperity, we want to see people yelling about apathy and suicide. How many songs do you remember from U2's mid-90s albums, Zooropa and Pop? U2 simply doesn't work when society is content.

One of the most brilliant videos to grace MTV in recent memory comes from a white rapper by the name of Bubba Sparxxx. The video for "Ugly" pictures both black and white southerners rolling around in the mud with pigs while Bubba proclaims "Let's be honest/ None of us will ever date a model." The message he offers is powerful: if ugly people of all races join a common constituency, their power grows both politically and economically.

The rise of the lower class is upon us and they now have their rallying cry. In addition, not only is this kid under the Missy Elliott tent, he's also teamed up with Timbaland. Bubba's going to be huge.

As the heavily rotated commercials for Ben Stiller's Zoolander make their way into my collective channel-flipping conscious, I have to ask "Benny Diddy Ben? What the hell are you doing?" Stiller's unexplainable venture into this genre of low-brow, slap-stick comedy can only end tragically in one of two ways: if it bombs, he'll be relegated to only the roles that his father can land for him; if it succeeds, we'll have another Austin Powers on our hands. And like Mike Myers, Stiller will be forever stuck in a single character type.

Do you realize at some point, at some production meeting, someone actually came up with the notion that it was a good idea to dress the Puddle of Mudd guy like that for the video? Hint: When a band's already a candidate for the all-ugly tour, don't dress the lead singer in a ski cap and sunglasses. It looks ridiculous! What is he, the young version of Titus? How did they decide that a flashback version of a T.V. character was a look they could market?

This whole band and, in all probability, their wonderful attire was the brainchild of their producer and everyone's favorite waste of a human soul, Fred Durst, who also makes a very un-Fred Durst-like low-key cameo in the video. In addition, could somebody explain why there is a shot of the drummer losing his stick during a frantic beat and then suddenly having it again, inexplicably, in the next cut? Was the budget so small for this video that you couldn't just re-shoot the damn scene?

To the readers that enjoy the "music" that comes from this camp, realize one thing: real rock stars don't say the word "Yeeeeah!" in the same obnoxious tone that Durst does in "My Way," and they certainly don't say, as the Puddle of Mudd guy puts it, "I love the way you smack my ass."

Bit Theories to come:

MTV's use of bright colors

Michelle Branch

How to re-market VH1