If you ever get the chance to know me personally, you will eventually encounter the fact that I don’t like wearing long pants during the warmer months when shorts are more comfortable. But even more than that peeve, I hate jeans. My a cappella group knows my “reasons why” speech all too well.
Our casual performance attire includes our group t-shirt and jeans. They make a huge deal about my showing up for warm-ups in jeans — just as much as I complain at previous practices about the decision to wear casual attire.
After that brief bit about me, you are probably wondering what my claims are that allow me to hate jeans so much. You are in for a treat. I shall illustrate the faults with jeans that allow cargos to emerge as the victor in this legendary analysis.
I must pause and address something I realized at the airport this holiday break. I had spent my time waiting at the airport with a friend who commented that she was shocked at how few bags I was taking with me — only two carry-ons. She on the other hand had her two carry-ons, a suitcase and a purse. She had been curious about my next column as well; this one to be exact. After I explained my next idea, she replied along the lines of, “I guess that’s why you have so few bags, everything else is in your cargo pockets.” This was true, which then made me notice her purse.
In a round-about way, I want to say that my argument against jeans doesn’t apply to women (this is a male fashion column anyway). Women seem to only wear jeans; sun dresses are out of season, and I have only known two women to wear cargo pants. A reason a woman shouldn’t need to wear cargo pants is because everything she owns is in her purse. “It is part of our being,” to quote my mother.
So, ladies, wear your jeans freely, at least you all make them look good. Men, jeans are inadequate compared to cargo pants, and we have no place wearing them daily. My first opinion of jeans is that they are intended for wearing while one works. They are durable and meant to get dirty. I used to only own two pairs of jeans that fit comfortably; they have paint splotches and dirt stained into the knees.
I tend to keep clean, and only feel comfortable kneeling in mud when wearing jeans, because I know I won’t care about stains. The only other times I would wear them is when I’m weeding flowerbeds, insulating the attic or painting bookshelves.
My a cappella group wanted me to get “clean” jeans for performances. I had to comply, and asked my mother to buy me another pair. This is where jeans reveal their greatest fault. All jeans look the same; therefore they should “feel” the same. The “clean” jeans are extremely skinny; they belong to a different ‘cut’ than the ones I have worn previously. I don’t remember the differences, but there are too many styles: loose, relaxed-fit, etc. I have no idea what these mean or how they should feel when worn.
One should think that relaxed and loose are the same; sadly they aren’t. And, like I said before, they all look the same. No wonder my mother got me a pair that is extremely tight everywhere, despite it matching my waist size like the others.
Cargo pants at least have some differences in appearance. They come in different colors and patterns ranging from regular khaki color to camouflage. Jeans are blue and various hues of blue to black . . . very original. My favorite cargo pants when I was in middle school were a light olive green — talk about unique. Jeans lack distinction and only slip you into the ranks of conformity.
To continue my rave against my skinny jeans, they lack storage space. Men don’t need purses, nor should they ever have one. If you have a lot of things to carry, pockets are a must. Pockets in jeans are the same on every pair: not very deep and very thin. I used to put my iPod in my jeans while I worked and it stuck out because the pockets were too small. There is also a dinky little “penny pocket,” as I call it, in the right front pocket. This is, I suppose, a hidden pocket to hide, well, pennies from pickpockets — since that is all anyone could fit between their finger and thumb and wedge in there. Good luck getting those pennies back while you are wearing the jeans, though.
Someone might ask, “What about the back pockets?” To him I say that I don’t believe in back pockets. Men, like my father, put their wallets in their back pockets. Why? I have no idea. I keep my wallet in one of my extra cargo pockets; it would be harder for a crafty vertically challenged person to undo my pocket buttons and steal my wallet than for anyone who wishes to grope my ass and steal my wallet out of a back pocket. Plus, who would want to sit on their wallet all the time? Lecture hall chairs are uncomfortable as it is.
Jeans only have two front pockets to cargo’s four or more. The pants I am wearing as I type this have seven pockets. Why would I need them? You might think I only have a wallet, phone and keys on my person. One pocket sounds like enough for those, right? Wrong.
I don’t want to mix items. I scratched up my last phone with my keys sharing a pocket; I’d rather not repeat the mistake. With regards to other items, as an English and Writing Seminars major, I always carry my Moleskine notebook and pen, ready to jot down a poem or story idea that trickles to me through the miasma of life.
Overall, jeans are terrible. There are so many different styles and cuts that you would have to spend an hour trying on each pair to see which fit properly.For those of us who have better things to do with our lives, we usually, and sadly, end up buying a pair that is too tight somewhere. Cargo pants, on the other hand, which offer plenty of space to store things, usually follow one cut, “fits well”, and will never let you down.
