I recently read Catherine Murray's guest column regarding relationships and how girls can get more out of their sexual lives (from the Feb. 5 issue). Girls tend to agree with this article when we discuss it, but I do not. I spoke with Catherine about her column, and she encouraged me to respond.
My difficulty with Catherine's column is not about its behavioral advice. One scenario that I agree with is when she advises girls to not bother answering calls from boys at 2 a.m. My problem with the column concerns its reasoning for this particular decision. The motivation for someone to ignore a text message and not reply should never be to get the texter to like him or her more. It should only be to facilitate sleeping that the person actually needs.
Catherine may have a point that people respond positively to those who do not totally depend on them. Yes, no one wants to get laid by a Stage 5 Clinger. But approaching a relationship like it's a resentful chess match for power is unhealthy.
Don't get me wrong about the chess analogy - for one thing, it is fun to chat with a desired-gender-member who is challenging you and who, seeing what you can do in response, is becoming aware of the moves you are making. But what is going on in the texting situation is outcome-dependent manipulation - engagement in deceptive behavior for the sake of what it can bring you rather than the sake of the behavior itself.
Don Diego Garcia, who practices martial arts, advocates what he calls Centered Persistence, which is a concept that illustrates the faults in Catherine's scenario.
Imagine this: You are standing next to a person, applying a force with your arm while resting on the person's shoulder and maintaining your own balance.
If the other person steps away, your hand may hang, may fall, but your stance remains. Unbalanced persistence is when you need the other person to stay there when you are putting your weight on that person. This is what is happening in Catherine's scenario.
Let us say the girl, asked to come out at 2 a.m., does not respond. This answer is meant to get the boy to want her more and keep her in power in the relationship. She finds out the next day that the boy, unable to hang with the girl, managed to score an orgy. This girl would flip! We are back to the situation of an upset girl, which we were initially avoiding. An emotionally independent, secure girl, on the other hand, may be hurt, but would not flip out or question her worth as a potential love interest.
So, how to get there? Read my column, women. You think I spend this much time making sure all my pronouns are gender-neutral so girls can try to game me with their texts? Heck no! Confidence, security and psychological soundness are all bipartisan, thank the lord. Furthermore, lucky you, these qualities can be learned.
But back to the scenario in question.
Like I said, Catherine's advice was sound in behavior, not in motivation. So, do not text him. Go to sleep. Should you want to text him back, take a few deep breaths, relax and sleep rather than fight for power. Do it for yourself. Not for the guy. While in bed, practice believing in your independence from that guy. Then you may simply enjoy what comes. Do not do this resentfully. You can be kind and independent.
Does this seem like nitpicking? Or bullshit, even? Doing the same thing and repeating mantras? The feeling is understandable. But I would not be making such a fuss about it if I did not think it a big deal. Imagine living in the moment. How sweet is that? Imagine constantly checking parameters and calculating your next move. Unbearable torture!
When one of two equally applicable outcomes is more conducive to psychological health, that particular one is the better choice. The more you do things with a positive mindset, the more positivity you bring to your life.
Let me say: DUH!
So forget the guy, get some winks and have a nice dream that night about flying through the sky, overlooking something beautiful.
