An open letter to the boys confused by the antics on the television show Tila Tequila: A Shot At Love:
There seems to be significant distress and confusion about the way in which certain bisexual celebrities treat individuals of one gender with what seems to be a physical preference.
This is, of course, a valid objection: How can someone claim to have equal and separate sexual interests and yet behave in such disparate ways to these sexual interests? This raises the objection that it is not technically possible to have completely equal sexual interests - between two individuals or between two genders.
For the purpose of this letter, I give you the scale of intimacy: This scale describes the situational identifiers used, subconsciously, by the majority of girls:
1- This is where guys start. There is very little, if any, purposeful physical contact.
2 - This is where you hug briefly at a party and hold hands in the preschool-don't-lose-anyone-on-the-streets-of-Baltimore way if you're both female.
3- This is noncommittal tickling and short lived cuddling when someone is depressed. See also: Hair ruffling that lasts longer than two seconds.
4 - This is where girls are with other girls, typically, after as little as two weeks of friendship. Hands may be held when there's no immediate peril, hello hugs may extend to up to five seconds, bikinis may be tied, shirts may be adjusted and asses evaluated.
5- The drunken makeout. Second base is permitted but not encouraged.
6 -This entails the sober makeout or the drunken makeout that goes to second or third base.
7- This is casual and/or drunken sex.
8 - You are in a committed relationship or having consistent booty call sex.
9- Totally open sex: With the lights on, no sheets and varied positions.
10- Whips, anal, chains and other stuff most of us don't do on a regular basis.
Homosociability is a major factor in this difference - girls are encouraged to be friends with girls and to be 'cute' and amicable from early ages, where as boys are encouraged to be manly and independent - if not that, then to be friends with other tough boys and form a gang of utterly not-cute and not-affectionate friends. It is rarely questioned that girls 'relate' better to other girls. Not only compared to girls relating to guys, but compared to guys relating to either gender: As a society, we are raised to view girls as more empathic and sympathetic, more able to be friendly and affectionate, whereas boys are considered the 'stronger' and more self-sufficient, emotionless gender. Obviously these are stereotypes, but they do illustrate that, again, girls start at a certain base level of affectionate sociability.
By our nature and social upbringing, girls are trained to be 'friendly' and caring, especially towards other girls - the girl-power and sticking together themes combine with the special bond between mothers and daughters to produce a creature specifically designed to be social and likeable. Sure, girls fight it: Teenagers 'hate' their mothers, girls get in cat-fights nearly weekly; and sure, guys can be caring and 'girly' too; but overall, it has to be admitted that girls are inherently more 'chummy' than guys.
Girls tend to travel in packs - groups, tightly knit and mostly inseparable - and tend to be completely physical comfortable with their "girlfriends." (Note that the term here is acceptable but the use of "boyfriends" would normally be loaded). After as little as a month or two of acquaintance, girls have no issues with watching movies in the same bed, holding hands at parties, hugging hello after a prolonged absence, helping to adjust the straps on an unruly shirt. These are nonchalant physical actions that would 'mean something' if they were between a guy and a girl, but are just an inherent part of girl-girl friendship.
Guys, when not traveling alone with the intent of bringing some kind of 'game', can also be seen in groups - but the only real physical contact typically results from the completion of some sort of manly feat: Speeding cars successfully dodged, attractive blonde's number snagged, freshman threatened and his cat summarily kicked off the sidewalk - things to which the typical guy reaction is a pat on the back, high five or some other mildly physical congratulation. Rarely will you see these guys holding hands and skipping down streets in broad daylight, but it isn't too far a stretch to suppose a similar group of girls might do so after watching The Wizard of Oz on DC++.
Despite vehement objections to the contrary, everyone is a little bit homosexual - especially girls, because society dictates that they be more affectionate in all areas while simultaneously saying that this affection towards other girls is completely acceptable. There is, as is well illustrated by the proliferation of the phrase "no homo," a much stronger repression instinct in contemporary males. We'll leave the debate about repression for another column, and relate this all back to sex.
For the bisexual, then, it is nearly impossible to be totally equal and fair from the outset: Society dictates a certain difference in the type of affection that is rendered acceptable for either gender. It is normal and not assumed to be sexual when two girls hold hands, but when a guy and girl hold hands, the assumption, typically, is that there is some kind of romantic or sexual connection.
The general, basic levels of affection are different, and for this I refer to my scale detailed earlier: Girls "start" at a certain level of physical intimacy, (level 4) wherein it is acceptable for us girls to hug hello and goodbye, sleep four or more to one bed, hold hands in scary movies without sweating and much, much more. (Don't you wish you knew?) The "starting" level of physical intimacy between guys and girls is pretty much nothing (level one) - the slightest touch can be later construed as sexual or "electrifying." Accidental or not, touching a girl and having a penis can be big trouble. Touching a girl and having a vagina can be trouble, but only if someone makes it that way.
Tila Tequila makes it that way. Bi-sexuals seem to be the only people who really need to address the dichotomy here - everyone else seems content to subsist on the societal rules. Girls can hold hands with no implications; guys should keep their hands in their pockets. Pretty simple. Unless you don't find yourself conforming to the heterosexual guidelines in which case, the majority of this analysis probably struck you as either odd or heinously obvious. But it's still a good guideline for those straight guys who find themselves perpetually confused by girls: We'll clasp each others' bras, but if you so much as touch the strap you find yourself slapped. Never fear, once you've gotten to level two, where you can convincingly touch her momentarily without negative repercussions, the scale goes by pretty quickly. Generally. It takes some skill, but with any luck you might find yourself at level five at least.
Really, I highly recommend this show for a plethora of reasons: Lots of attractive people (the entire second episode is filmed in swimsuits, by the way), hilarious situations due to people being either retarded or dramatic, entertaining choices of shoes and tons of other worthwhile moments.
Lastly, to the confused boys out there: Good luck. You might need it.
Love always,
Gracy
