Published by the Students of Johns Hopkins since 1896
April 3, 2020 | °F in Baltimore

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Covington argues that the senior class suffers from mandatory S/U, and urges Hopkins to change their policy.

Mandatory S/U grading is unfair to senior class

Hopkins announced that all spring semester classes must be graded as Satisfactory or Unsatisfactory (S/U) on March 27. I’ve been hurt by the mandatory S/U policy. So have many-to-most other seniors. I would like the policy to include an exception for students graduating in May.




COURTESY OF HARRY MOLE
After seizing power at Hopkins, rats scurried to Gilman clock tower to celebrate.

BREAKING: Rats take over Homewood campus

At first, all was quiet on Homewood Campus. In the weeks since students and faculty fled due to the coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic, campus security reported few disturbances, save for a few intoxicated students wandering the premises. 


Graduation officially to take place on Minecraft

In an email sent to the student body on Monday, University President Ronald J. Daniels announced that commencement for this year’s graduating seniors will be conducted virtually on the multiplayer online game, Minecraft. 


COURTESY OF ANNA L. RHEETENTIVE
To incentivize our death-driven students to quarantine, Hopkins needs grade deflation like never before. 

How this semester's covered grades will kill us all

This past week, all the buzz around the Hopkins community has surrounded how the University would handle grading this semester as a result of the coronavirus. As petitions advocating for A/A-, optional Satisfactory/Unsatisfactory and every grading system in between circled in group chats everywhere, many questions arose about the University’s institutional responsibility. 


SGA bans coronavirus from Homewood Campus

The Student Government Association (SGA) held its first weekly meeting over Zoom last Tuesday, March 24. Amid their usual discussions about student club policies and vague ideas of transparency, the council passed a bill banning the coronavirus from Homewood Campus. The Corona <<<<<< Natty Boh Bill outlines the concrete ban on COVID-19 and the process by which SGA senators will personally remove the disease from Hopkins and all students.


Amid pandemic, Hopkins students continue to not have fun

The coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic has been a source of distress for students across America, who will miss the joys of a college experience this spring.   At Hopkins, however, little has changed. For Hopkins students, who spend most of their time crying in windowless rooms in the bowels of Brody, self-quarantine has been college life as usual. 


COVID-19 designed to cancel Spring Fair

The News-Letter has discovered that Hopkins brought coronavirus (COVID-19) to the U.S. so that students wouldn’t be disappointed by the inadequacies of this year’s Spring Fair. Due to an organizational review led by Student Leadership Impediment (SLI) Director Calvin Hobbes, Jr., the annual springtime celebration was months behind on planning this year.


COURTESY OF THE ADMINS&nbsp;
Who needs to drink on the actual Beach when you can just change your background on Zoom?

Spring Fair will be held via Zoom

The month of March was pretty bad for Hopkins students, from campus closing to commencement being cancelled, but there has emerged a singular bright spot in the darkness of COVID-19. It was announced today, April 1, that Spring Fair will take place this year via Zoom. Students will be able to access the only event that makes Hopkins worth attending via a link sent to their student emails.






EDA INCEKARA/PHOTOGRAPHY EDITOR
Maryland Governor Larry Hogan has issued an order for all Maryland residents to stay at home.

Hogan orders Marylanders to stay home

Maryland Governor Larry Hogan issued an order this morning directing all Maryland residents to stay in their residences beginning at 8 p.m. tonight. This order also closed all non-essential businesses — including senior centers, restaurants and bars, fitness centers, theaters and malls — to the public. 



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