APRIL FOOL’S: This article was published as part of The News-Letter’s annual April Fool’s edition, an attempt at adding some humor to a newspaper that is normally very serious about its reporting.
A News-Letter investigation has revealed that the string of recent carjackings around Homewood Campus were designed and executed by former Mayor of New York City Michael Bloomberg.
Upon interviewing Bloomberg to learn about his motivations, it was revealed that the attacks have been carried out with the objective of lowering property values east of campus in order to construct new sophomore, junior and senior annexes.
“Originally, I was hoping these spaces could be called the ‘Bloomberg Annexes,’ but I thought that might be confusing because my name is already on everything else,” he said in an interview with The News-Letter. “So I think they’ll probably be called the Michael Annexes.”
According to the interview, Bloomberg carried out the carjackings by bailing convicted carjackers out of jail and paying them to operate within Charles Village. After looking through Bloomberg LLC’s tax records, The News-Letter was able to confirm that the corporation sent out 15 1099 forms with the title of “Carjacker for hire.”
“I’m going to be honest, we thought those people were maybe just being hired for a wild office party,” an IRS representative said after learning that the employees were not actually entertainers.
Bloomberg noted that his plan, though successful because he threw enough money at it, did run into its fair share of challenges.
“The one problem was that whenever I told my employees to steal a car they would drive away with it and not come back, so I had to keep hiring new people,” he said. “On the bright side, it made it really hard for the Baltimore Police Department to find the cars!”
When asked why he didn’t just buy the land to construct the Michael Annexes on, Bloomberg admitted that his methods were also born out of disdain for a certain local business.
As mayor of New York City, Bloomberg ran an unsuccessful campaign to ban sugary beverages over 16 ounces, such as 7-Eleven’s Big Gulp. Since the campaign’s failure, Bloomberg admits that he feels threatened by the presence of 7-Elevens.
“7-Elevens and presidential elections remind me of failure, and I can’t have that anywhere close to my alma mater,” he said.
According to Bloomberg, the criminal mischief will likely continue until the 7-Eleven closes, after which he will purchase the space and turn it into a Whole Foods. After this, he plans on scoping out the area for cheap homes that could be torn down to construct the Michael Annexes. Ultimately, he hopes to break construction on the project by 2023, meaning the annexes will be set for student use by fall of 2035.
A private source shared several text conversations with The News-Letter that revealed University administration was also aware of Bloomberg’s carjacking team. While the administrators were initially concerned, they ultimately decided not to intervene.
“It’s not like if we told the police Bloomberg would go to jail and it would stop,” an anonymous administrator said. “Mike always has some interesting ideas, and as long as he picks up the check we’re fine to let him go crazy.”
When asked about how Hopkins planned to keep students safe the administrator noted that all Hopkins students have a free premium subscription to the Calm App, which could be helpful if students are feeling anxious about having their cars stolen.
“We also hope that, upon completion, the Michael Annexes will provide students with a valuable gathering space, which will ultimately benefit student health in the long run,” the administrator said.