APRIL FOOL’S: This article was published as part of The News-Letter’s annual April Fool’s edition, an attempt at adding some humor to a newspaper that is normally very serious about its reporting.
The Virginity Club launched a newly-revamped Hopkins Twelve contest on March 30. It is a pandemic-friendly sequel to the original Hopkins Seven, which challenges students to have sex in several designated locations across campus.
Virginity Club president Gildersleeve Griffin-Hollander explained that the challenge was originally designed to dissuade Hopkins students from seeing sex as an enjoyable activity.
“In a normal year, we don’t have to worry about students hooking up, because it just doesn’t happen,” Griffin-Hollander said. “But now it’s been a year since anyone has even pretended they could get some. Temptation is rising, and with more students getting vaccinated, we’re afraid fewer students will be virgins than ever before.”
According to a Student Government Association (SGA) poll that was sent in an email the night before its deadline, students ranked higher levels of sexual activity as their second-highest priority. In first place was the desire to sit on B-Level with a Chipotle bowl and an episode of The Office surreptitiously playing beside a blank Google Doc.
Notably, only 20 students actually filled out the poll, 17.5 of whom are on SGA. But Griffin-Hollander fears that the desire for hookups is felt by most students on campus.
“We devised the new Hopkins Twelve to remind students that sex is difficult to achieve, and it’s better to just turn back to old reliable: a problem set in one hand and a Natty Boh in the other,” he said.
The Hopkins Twelve challenge, as its name indicates, designates 12 locations for sex. These spaces include the new quad tents, the learning structure on Freshman Quad, the unfinished construction zone of the Rec Center, the WAWA House, the Nine East terrace, a Zoom call with camera on, all five COVID-19 testing centers and the Beach on a sunny day with a high of at least 75 degrees.
If students prove they had sex in each of the spots, they win the competition. Griffin-Hollander noted that well-populated locations were intentionally chosen to limit the number of participants.
“No one’s gonna do it on the Beach when it’s warm out — they’re too busy hurriedly hiding their drinks when a HopCop stops by,” he explained. “And the Rec Center? If the construction crew can’t finish there, no one can.”
Calvin Smita Ruzicka, director of Student Life Isamess, allowed the Virginity Club to post the Hopkins Twelve challenge on CampusGroups. His main concern is guaranteeing equitability for all Hopkins students, no matter how far from campus they may be. To ensure that students living at home can take part in the Hopkins Twelve, Ruzicka is allowing sexting submissions. Students simply record themselves in front of the designated location (which may be a Zoom background) and upload the file to an OnlyFans account that was created specifically for the challenge.
Ruzicka is impressed that Hopkins students have become so innovative during these now-precedented times.
“I’m thrilled that the Virginity Club has designed the Hopkins Twelve,” he said. “Because they attended 16 safety trainings — all identical PowerPoints explaining how to apply Purell to one’s hands — students may officially use campus spaces to complete the competition.”
However, some students have forgotten that regular social distancing and mask rules still apply. Eleven students were expelled, as their orgy exceeded the maximum number of people allowed to gather in one place.
Sophomores Common Charles and Yoon E. Mini were caught canoodling within the Glass Pavilion. The two were going at it in the third saliva spit booth, attempting to complete their final hookup of the five COVID-19 testing centers. The Ethics Committee is considering suspending both students.
Mini is baffled as to why she is in trouble.
“We didn’t do anything wrong,” she said. “Common and I both registered to get our COVID tests in Glass Pav that day. We wore our Hopkins masks and filled out our Prodensities. It’s not our fault that the other booths were full of students taking their spit tests. They didn’t have to look.”
Griffin-Hollander is also displeased with the progression of the challenge. Rather than cause Hopkins students to give up on sex altogether, he says, they’re being more adventurous than ever. As they previously weren’t adventurous at all, he’s shocked that they’re suddenly bringing hookup culture to campus.
“There’s just no shame anymore,” he said. “During the last Virginity Club meeting, we were Zoom-bombed by these two people who were, um, doing it on camera. I tried muting them, but they kept blasting WAmP through the speakers. I don’t even know how.”
Those individuals are rumored to be international pop singer Cardi B and her new partner, Jay the Blue Jay.