Published by the Students of Johns Hopkins since 1896
April 18, 2021
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PUBLIC DOMAIN

X. Hausted Girlfriend urges readers not to date News-Letter editors, citing emotional pain and boredom. Seriously, don’t do it.

APRIL FOOL’S: This article was published as part of The News-Letter’s annual April Fool’s edition, an attempt at adding some humor to a newspaper that is normally very serious about its reporting.

Dear Reader,

In November of 2019, I started dating a fellow News-Letter writer. Things were terrific until that fateful day when he decided to run for an editor position. At first I was ecstatic that my boyfriend had so much power, but it didn’t take long before I realized that I was bearing witness to the creation of a monster. 

Please hear my words and heed my advice so that you may figure out how to survive this predicament if you find yourself somehow dating an editor. 

  1. If you can, try to avoid dating a News-Letter editor. The easiest way to do this is to never interact with anyone involved with The News-Letter; the overall benefits far exceed any drawbacks. 
  2. If you do end up dating an editor, be warned that your significant other will have a giant ego and inflated sense of self importance. Often, editors are in denial of the fact that no one reads News-Letter articles except fellow editors, but it is important to remain patient and remember that they are blinded by the hubris that comes with student journalism. 
  3. Be okay with the fact that all of your conversations will become “new article ideas.” Literally everything you talk about is potential article material. You will never be able to have a normal conversation again. This newspaper has pervaded their entire thought processes in a way that is on par with brainwashing.
  4. Accept the fact that you come second to The News-Letter. The News-Letter will get in the way of eating together, spending time together, going out and everything in between. They have editors’ meetings almost every day of the week. What are they meeting about? Does it have to be during every waking second of every day? I do not have the answers, but it is the reality, and you will rue the day that they ever voluntarily signed up for such a horrendous arrangement. 

I’m glad I have had the chance to share this wisdom with you today. Hopefully you are able to read this before I am blacklisted from ever writing for this newspaper again. Good luck, godspeed and for the love of all that is good and holy, never date a News-Letter editor.

Sincerely,

X. Hausted Girlfriend

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