Published by the Students of Johns Hopkins since 1896
April 18, 2021

Cut the monkey business: University discovers essay-writing service run by secret society

By JOE and LEMA R. BANANJAMOVIC | April 1, 2021

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APRIL FOOL’S: This article was published as part of The News-Letter’s annual April Fool’s edition, an attempt at adding some humor to a newspaper that is normally very serious about its reporting.

The Homewood Academic Council persecuted a group of students running an essay-writing business last Friday. This group, formally known as “LET OUR MONKEYS WRITE LLC,” was found to have captured a bevy of monkeys to perform the manual labor of their operation and, as stated in its business plan, “bolster capital accumulation and facilitate rapid returns on investment.”

Essentially, its operation rested on semi-domesticated monkeys taken in the night from The Maryland Zoo. These monkeys were placed in front of keyboards and instructed to “Do that Shakespeare Monkey theory thing,” as cited in instruction manuals found on scene.  

Our best guess is that these students were referring to the Infinite Monkey Theorem, which posits that if monkeys are allowed to type for an infinite amount of time, they will eventually transcribe the full works of William Shakespeare. Presumably, these enterprising students thought this also applied to Introduction to American Politics essays.

Freshman Jessi Dawn, who tried to outsource an Introduction to Expository Writing essay using the service, was left disappointed.

“Yeah, I thought using monkeys was kind of weird, but I thought that since the group is made up of finance bros their shareholders would have done due diligence,” they said. “Clearly I was wrong.”

The Homewood Academic Council was alerted by concerned students, many of whom had attempted to utilize the service and received subpar results. The Homewood Academic Council clarified that it will not be prosecuting these students and thanked them for their contributions to the integrity of campus academics.

“We honor these brave whistle-blowers and we do not treat this sort of incident lightly,” Steve P. Assman, member of the Homewood Academic Council, said. “Finance bros are a scourge on this campus and should be persecuted for their crimes.”

Seniors Franz Laccid and Bawl Sachs have been identified as the primary perpetrators of this pseudo-criminal enterprise. Coincidentally, they are also members of an underground business-oriented secret society, Tiníe Peán. They will be expelled. 

Several students voiced concerns about the working and living conditions of the monkeys. LET OUR MONKEYS TYPE LLC had occupied the Student Leadership and Involvement’s cubicle formerly entrusted to Spring Fair.  According to our investigative team, feces and rotten bananas were strewn about, a significant improvement from last year.

One of the monkeys responded to The News-Letter’s request for an interview.

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The other monkeys denied The News-Letter’s multiple requests for comment.

History Teaching Assistant Alfredo Linguini, who specializes in American cults, found the treatment of monkeys by the secret society Tiníe Peán beyond egregious.

“Clearly, we must root out and destroy all Tiníe Peán members on campus. I suggest an approach modeled on the Salem Witch Trials,” she said. “In the words of noted English primatologist Jane Goodall, ‘If we do not do something to help these creatures, we make a mockery of the whole concept of justice.’ Thus, Tiníe Peán and all its morally flabby co-conspirators must be relegated to the dingiest corners of hell. Or the WAWA basement.” 

B. Anana Sapiens, the self-proclaimed CFO of LET OUR MONKEYS WRITE, is a Managing Editor for The News-Letter. Sapiens did not contribute reporting, writing or editing to this article.

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