SGA bans coronavirus from Homewood Campus

The Student Government Association (SGA) held its first weekly meeting over Zoom last Tuesday, March 24. Amid their usual discussions about student club policies and vague ideas of transparency, the council passed a bill banning the coronavirus from Homewood Campus. The Corona <<<<<< Natty Boh Bill outlines the concrete ban on COVID-19 and the process by which SGA senators will personally remove the disease from Hopkins and all students.

Executive President Mike Zoomberg explained why SGA felt it necessary to introduce the bill.

“It comes down to this,” he said before the vote commenced. “Coronavirus is not what we need right now. I mean, I’ve heard people say that admin are talking about giving all students an A or a passing grade? People are skipping classes? This isn’t the Hopkins that we know and love. No student would ever get an A or skip a class if we were still on campus.”

Freshman Class Senator Gillian “Gil” Mann agreed with Zoomberg. She specifically complained about her disappointment in not being able to enjoy her new sorority, Eta Omicron Rho (HOP), the way that she had hoped.

“It sucks,” she said. “It’s, like, at least ten times harder to hook up in a frat basement when you have to be six feet apart from the guy at all times.”

Mann added that HOP has cancelled all planned date parties and will now host them on Club Penguin instead. 

“I don’t want my dues to go towards a free website, no matter how nostalgic it is,” she said. “No puffle is worth $300.”

Senator Common Charles, Chair of the Student Disengagement Committee, pushed back against the legislation. He explained that COVID-19 has allowed SGA to complete its primary goal more effectively than ever before: to be as distant from the student body as is physically possible.

“Come on, guys,” Charles said. “We didn’t have to table any events this semester. We didn’t have to shake any hands during meet-and-greets. I think that Rona has been giving us some good luck. The Class Council candidates won’t have to go around the library and get 300 fake signatures. Win-win situation.”

The majority of senators, however, disagreed with Charles’ view. Zoomberg invoked the new student club policies as an additional reason to ban COVID-19 from campus.

“There’s less than ten students who have it, and that’s not enough active members. We have to shut it down,” he said.

SGA also revealed that the University has reversed its decision on the Spring Fair overhaul. Just a few months ago, Hopkins claimed that Spring Fair was committing more sins than the average student group. Students protested that there was a haze of confusion surrounding the claims. Administrators responded that unclear hazing was precisely the problem.

Senator A. R. A-minus, Chair of the Student Organizations Make Us Happy Committee (SOMUHC) explained that the decision to investigate Spring Fair was in actuality not driven by Hopkins administrators. Instead, it was a covert operation led by SOMUHC under SGA command. The plan was launched as a direct response to the future pandemic.

“It was all part of our plan,” explained A-minus. “We knew about the impending coronavirus threat for so long, we had to do something with the information. But we couldn’t just tell people; that’s not part of our brand. We had to slowly, haphazardly reveal the danger in another way.”

Though SGA was aware of the Spring Fair plot, the rest of the student body was kept in the dark for months. The information was revealed during the board meeting, so the entire student body will find out through the Hopkins meme page in a few days.

University President Ronald J. Daniels made a surprise appearance in the Zoom call. After muting Sophomore Class President Mick Coy mid-speech, he announced that he had words of praise for SGA.

“You’ve all done a great job this year,” he said. “I don’t really have a reason to say this now. I don’t even know half of your names, and they’re literally on my computer screen. I just want to spread some good vibes during these tough times.”

Nearly all the Senators used the thumbs up emoji to express their approval. When Senator Mann asked Daniels about the future of the student center, Daniels promptly exited the meeting.

Zoomberg concluded the meeting by echoing Daniels’ thoughts.

“We really are doing well,” he said. “Let’s all just stay positive and stay at home.” 

When asked by The News-Letter what exactly Zoomberg believes SGA is doing well, Zoomberg promptly ended the call.