APRIL FOOL’S: This article was published as part of The News-Letter’s annual April Fool’s edition, an attempt at adding some humor to a newspaper that is normally very serious about its reporting.
The News-Letter has discovered that Hopkins brought coronavirus (COVID-19) to the U.S. so that students wouldn’t be disappointed by the inadequacies of this year’s Spring Fair. Due to an organizational review led by Student Leadership Impediment (SLI) Director Calvin Hobbes, Jr., the annual springtime celebration was months behind on planning this year.
“Let’s be honest; Spring Fair just wasn’t going to happen,” Hobbes said. “It would’ve been bad optics, so we did what any leading public health institution would do. We started a pandemic. In fact, it was only natural. We had the Bloomberg School of Public Health actually manufacture COVID-19 and start spreading it around the country so we could get students off campus.”
Noting the damage wrought by the Spring Fair debacle, University President Ronald J. Daniels described the outbreak as the perfect opportunity to improve JHU’s image. He compared his sporadic emails to the student body regarding COVID-19 developments to FDR’s fireside chats during the Great Depression.
“Have you seen the tracking map? It might not have Palestine on it, but so what? Hopkins is currently working on a vaccine. So what if we sue our patients and employees? So what if we don’t pay taxes to the city? We’re making a goddamned vaccine,” he said. “Spring Fair was a rotting tooth. We created a virus to take out the whole head — and the lungs. Signing off, Ron. Sent from my iPhone.”
For nearly half a century, to defeat stereotypes about Hopkins being where fun goes to die, the administration has performatively touted Spring Fair as the nation’s largest student-run festival. Inspired by the Student Government Association’s revitalized commitment to transparency, The News-Letter admits that it has never been able to confirm this allegation about Spring Fair.
Regarding the other claim, reporters heard Hobbes whisper to himself while pacing around the Mattin Center courtyard that Spring Fair is “most definitely not student-run.”
However, students on Spring Fair will be bringing chicken-on-stick — as well as chicken-on-a-stick — to Nolan’s on 33rd for the few residential students granted an exception to stay on campus.
Hobbes added that students at home, including those required to introduce pathogens into the residences of their immunocompromised relatives, will be able to use Zoom to stream the headliner concert.
“We’re really excited to bring The Wiggles to the Rec Center,” he said. “We’re not sure how construction’s going to affect this, but they’ll have to stand six feet apart from each other. Indeed, we’re excited to announce that the theme of this year’s concert is social distancing. Some may say it’s an introverted middle schooler’s wet dream.”
Daniels shared his excitement for the upcoming festival.
“We’re holding Spring Fair virtually, which will allow students to venture beyond the soapy walls of the Hopkins bubble,” he said. “We’ve forced them to spread their wings, glaze them in Purell, and soar across the country. Who cares if they can’t access their online classes? They’re going to shine!”
Upon discovering that the University has adopted a universal satisfactory/unsatisfactory grading policy for all undergraduate students, Hobbes questioned whether catalyzing a cataclysm of unprecedented proportions was a good idea.
“That seems like it’ll improve the health and well-being of students,” he said. “Not sure how I feel about that. Maybe we’ll get rid of Lighting of the Quads in the fall.”