APRIL FOOL’S: This article was published as part of The News-Letter’s annual April Fool’s edition, an attempt at adding some humor to a newspaper that is normally very serious about its reporting.
The coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic has been a source of distress for students across America, who will miss the joys of a college experience this spring.
At Hopkins, however, little has changed. For Hopkins students, who spend most of their time crying in windowless rooms in the bowels of Brody, self-quarantine has been college life as usual.
Students like sophomore Colin Reed are determined that no matter what, they will continue to not have fun — in accordance with Hopkins tradition.
“It’s our way of demonstrating that this pandemic can’t beat us,” Reed said. “Coronavirus may take our health, our jobs and even our lives, but it won’t take away our toxic work culture. Even if it kills us.”
For Reed, that means sticking to his typical unhealthy study schedule. Reed explained that at school, he typically studies from 6 a.m. until 8 p.m. Then, after a 30-minute break, which consists of crying and eating a pack of Oreos in a fetal position, he studies from 8:30 p.m. until 3 a.m.
Reed intends on replicating this routine in the comfort of his parents’ condo.
“I was worried that my mom wouldn’t let me buy Oreos — she’s kind of a health nut — so I stocked up at Char Mar before we were sent home. My suitcase was full of Oreos. Like, I didn’t pack clothes. I’ve been wearing the same pair of underwear for five days,” he said.
Although the majority of Hopkins students have left campus for home, some students like senior Joy Les are staying in their Baltimore apartments.
Les said that self-quarantine has been an easy adjustment. When asked if she was sad that she would not get to enjoy more of the city in her last semester, she revealed that she has not left Homewood Campus in years,
“I only ever left my apartment to go to class,” she said. “I did sometimes go to local restaurants like Chipotle. Now I just don’t have to waste ten minutes of precious study time to get it. I need to prioritize my studies.”
Like Les, junior Mo Rose is staying in her Baltimore apartment to “get into the grind.”
“The real reason I stayed is because I can only do homework unless I’m in an incredibly depressing environment, such as a cubicle or one of those study rooms on C level that look like an interrogation room,” she said. “Living a minute away from Homewood Campus really helps.”
When asked if she has been able to have fun during this uncertain time, she smiled and said that her and her boyfriend are having tons of fun.
“Saturday night, my boyfriend and I broke into the library and went to D level if you know what I mean,” Rose said with a wink.
In a follow-up interview, she clarified that what she meant was that her and her boyfriend studied in D-level cubicles.
“He got really excited when I asked him to go to D level…he brought candles and a condom. I don’t know what he was thinking,” she said. “He cried when I told him he had the wrong impression. But, like, I had an entire problem set to do. I didn’t have time to fool around.”
On Friday, the University decided to cover grades for Krieger and Whiting students. When asked if students at Hopkins should attempt to relax during this stressful time, senior Sam N. Noodles was outraged.
“A true Hopkins student never relaxes,” Noodles said. “Being depressed, sleep-deprived, buried by insurmountable amounts of work and on the verge of death every day, every hour — it’s what’s kept us together since 1876. It’s what keeps us alive.”
In fact, Noodles added, he’s never felt more like himself.
“The closer you are to death, the more alive you feel,“ he said.
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