APRIL FOOL’S: This article was published as part of The News-Letter’s annual April Fool’s edition, an attempt at adding some humor to a newspaper that is normally very serious about its reporting.
A recent study conducted by a team of world-class psychologists and gynecologists at the School of Medicine have determined that previous research severely overestimated the prevalence of the female orgasm.
The team, led by Dr. Prashant Gupta, has arrived at what is being called the biggest breakthrough in sex research to date: Although previous research claimed that only 20 percent of women could achieve orgasm through penetration alone, the actual figure sits at about zero percent, not only for penetrative sex but for all forms of sexual stimulation.
“While we recognized the rarity that is the female orgasm, only recently have we discovered its outright impossibility,” Gupta said.
To come — not to the release of accrued sexual excitement — but to this conclusion, Gupta and his team implemented Men’s Health’s “Seven Ways to Guarantee Her an Orgasm” on female subjects for the past several weeks. They failed to spur even one climax.
“We tried it all — the up shift, the ultimate, the drop trick, the neck warmer, the play-by-play, even the dream machine — but nothing sufficed,” Gupta said.
Although 85 percent of women involved in the study claimed to have allegedly experienced orgasm before, Gupta hypothesizes that these patients, along with all women who are victim to this absurd delusion, suffer from a type of psychosis unclassifiable by the DSM-V but diagnosable in almost all women.
Aspiring women’s rights activist, sophomore Lizzie Stanton, rationalized the commonplace fantasy of the female orgasm.
“Of course 85 percent of women think they’ve orgasmed. The orgasm is a social construct of inverted hysteria. By falsely believing that women can indeed achieve pleasure from sex, we attain the facade of autonomy. We fail to acknowledge that the misogyny of natural selection has transformed our bodies into inherent vessels for the patriarchy,” she said.
Gupta and his team are eager to see how their groundbreaking study will transform society’s relationship with sex. Sociologists are already speculating the downfall of Cosmopolitan magazine due to its dependence on misleading female-orgasm-centric sex tips, along with the silencing of theatricalized fake orgasm noises in the porn industry, which can now be considered completely unrealistic.
Of course, this research has little to no bearing on Hopkins students, who will likely not be engaging in sexual intercourse until the onset of erectile dysfunction.
Alumni Mikey Pence, class of 1969, remarked that he couldn’t consummate his recent marriage due to his impotence, but he was relieved to hear that he would never have been able to bring his wife to climax.
“Hopkins stole my virility,” he said. “It might have been some experiment they did on me. Anyway I’m glad I didn’t disappoint my wife even more than I already have.”
Female researchers attempted to point out the inherent misogyny and heteronormativity of the study, but they were spoken over by their colleagues before The News-Letter could receive a comment.