JRENIER/public domain Just look at these beautiful waffles. Golden West Cafe in Hampden only serves these treats during the weekend.
Waffles. We all love them. When the waffle makers are out in the FFC, the sun shines a little brighter, or the stars do if it’s Late Night. They’re good savory. They’re good sweet. They’re for breakfast. They’re for dessert. What’s not to love?
Naturally when I took a special someone to dinner in Hampden the other week, a priority was making it to the Golden West takeout window afterward to get dessert waffles. I was surprised to find out upon ordering that their waffles are only available Saturday, Sunday and Monday mornings.
My initial reaction was to wonder what kind of barbarous establishment does that and to call them culinary philistines of the worst kind, which, while a nonsensical insult in that context, was satisfying. My later reaction was to try to think of why they might actually do that. That is when I decided to stand for change. Change, goddammit!
It is time to speak out against the artificial scarcity of Hampden establishments. While B. Doughnut makes more sense — they only sell until they run out every day — The Great Golden West Waffle Denial does not. Good God who withholds waffles on a Thursday night? It must either be schadenfreude of the worst kind on the part of management or a fundamental lack of comprehension regarding the sanctity and beauty of waffles.
Nothing can be done about true schadenfreude, but certainly an argument for waffle access can be made based upon their merits. Waffles are a warm blanket on the heart. Waffles are the food God herself eats in heaven.
They are the dark and delectable substance that the Devil tempts you with. They are the thunder of the storm that is happiness. They are the glue that binds an expanding universe together.
As such they should be available more than a couple days a week, especially from Golden West, because their waffles are quite excellent. They should at least be available all weekend, which in this section of The News-Letter means from Thursday to Sunday.
To break things down:
One. Waffles are delicious, and Golden West’s are no exception. Everyone should be able to have delicious things. This is America. If we believe in anything, it’s full access to delicious food at any time, especially if you pay for it. Capitalism! Supply and demand! Economics! Waffles! Give the people waffles!
Two. Waffles are comforting. Weekdays can be stressful experiences with a paucity of sleep. Waffle availability on more days of the week would bring happiness to many people.
Three. Golden West specifically has lemon basil waffles. I do not know anywhere else that serves those. It is a crime not to share them especially when people will give you money for them.
Golden West, if you read this, please consider offering waffles daily. It is the right thing to do. The people will thank you for it.
Dearest readers of The News-Letter, all of the mostly humorous ranting about waffles aside, you will not be judged if you choose to support Golden West despite their waffle-withholding ways.
Just keep in mind that they are only offered on Saturday, on Sunday and on Monday mornings. Any other day, prepare for disappointment of the most soul-crushing variety.