Bagel bites: a review of your best breakfast bets

BY WILL MARCUS

Our adventure in bagel breakfasts begins with the artist formally known as Stone Mill, aka the Crepe Studio. Look at that thing. Now look at it again. It is a vicious insult to the very idea of breakfast. If that abomination could speak, the only words to come out of its unfortunate maw would be “kill me...” and honestly I think we would all agree with that sentiment based on the picture alone.

You might be inclined to ask, “But Will, that’s only a picture; How did it taste?” I would tell you that bagel was so repugnant that I genuinely feared for the other contents of the compost bin. That’s why I choked down the first bite I took and then immediately slam dunked the rest of that monstrosity into the trash can while muttering a badass 1980s action movie one-liner about how those eggs were now much closer to “over-easy.” Just kidding. That didn’t actually happen, but I did toss it in the trash can and fantasize about the aforementioned scenario a few hours later. Anyway, here are the notes I took during my dining experience:

I have no words for these eggs. Literally, the yolks are grey. If I threw one at someone’s head, they’d get a severe concussion. Batman should throw some of these bad boys on his utility belt. The bacon is obviously old, but hey, its bacon — I basically brush my teeth with that stuff. They were stingy on the cheddar. Come on guys, a generous, single-bagel dusting of bulk cheddar would cost $0.10 maximum. The bagel was okay, but only acceptable as a vehicle to transfer bacon and eggs to one’s mouth — and in this case was very aerodynamically suited to transfer said food items to the trash can.

Overall Score: 0/10 (kill it with fire)

Carma’s: Our next bagel bungalow is Carma’s Café. Oh wow. This thing looks great. It also looks like it costs $6.31 because it did. This was the most expensive and aesthetically pleasing bagel — and truth be told, it tastes pretty great, but it just seemed so... unambitious.

Why the heck does Carma’s love frittatas so much? I got a “southwestern breakfast burrito” from them and those eggs were also a frittata. What in the living hell, fellas? I don’t think they serve any other kind of eggs. Anyway, they undoubtedly get a lot of practice making frittatas because the eggs on my bagel were on point. The airy consistency of the eggs harmonized with the light texture of the bagel. The bacon was clearly given the VIP (Very Important Pig) treatment in the kitchen because I almost wept tears of joy at the smell of it.

Here’s the problem: This bagel is an overly mild work of art. The frittata is a perfect square with corners so sharp you could cut diamonds with them. The cheese forms a smooth sheet over the rest of the ingredients, and that next-level bacon is perfectly distributed. The bagel itself looks flawless and is surprisingly good despite the fact that it has no chew factor either. All the ingredients are wonderful separately, and I’m sure some would say they’re wonderful together as well. I just find this to be one of the most uninspired breakfast sandwiches you can get. Every ingredient is just so profoundly mild and uninteresting. It is a one-note meal, which some people are fine with, but I prefer to spice it up.

Overall score: 7/10

Moving on to Eddie’s Market, the wringer of the group. This place had a long career in the breakfast bagel game, serving slightly-below-average sandwiches to the Homewood community on mass-produced bagels before withdrawing into retirement as other offerings took center stage.

Look out, Hopkins, old man Eddie is back, and he’s swingin’ for the fences. Eddie’s is now sourcing real New York City bagels, and I can confirm they are indeed the real deal. The chew factor is off the charts! They also offer leagues more customization options than any other establishment on this list. My double egg patty, Gruyère cheese, bacon and spicy red pepper mayo on an onion bagel is definitively the finest bagel sandwich in Charles Village, and the price is right. I can’t even find the words besides “Oh my sweet baby Jesus....” Please just get one, eat it, and thank me later. Additionally, it comes with a free small coffee... oh my god damn.

Overall score: 9/10

We end our journey at Brody Café. There is so little to be said here that I literally forgot to even take a picture. It pairs a sad microwaved egg patty with the kind of bland, thin bacon that I would only enjoy if I ever decide to give up on food. Then the barista takes those two items and glues them to decent bagel with a surprisingly sharp and delicious slice of melted cheddar.

Brody Café serves the kind of breakfast bagel that you’d be pleased to find in an airport. Except for that wonderful cheese, all the other flavors are more mild than Carma’s. But, they are the cheapest breakfast bagel bistro on this list and maybe even the known universe. Overall score: 5/10

Honorable mention: The only reason this place isn’t on this list with a score of 50 gajillion/10 is that it technically isn’t a bagel sandwich, and it is only open on Saturday mornings. Yes, I am talking about the biscuit sandwiches from Black Sauce Kitchen at the Waverly Farmer’s market. These sandwiches are ambitious. They are profound. They will turn you into a gourmet. From beef cheek with shallot-jelly and a fried egg on a smoked jowl biscuit to cave-aged cheddar, broiled tomato and garlic-olive oil coated arugula on a buttermilk biscuit, Black Sauce keeps you guessing every week, and it never ceases to amaze.

Will Marcus is a senior International Studies and Political Science double major from Austin, Texas. He is also the Opinions Editor. Photos courtesy of Will Marcus