Fifty Shades of Grey is neither interesting nor erotic

There are some things in this world that need no introduction, and by the same token, there are some films that warrant no review. This past weekend, theaters were graced with such a film: Fifty Shades of Grey, an erotic romance film directed by Sam Taylor-Johnson.

The reputation of the Fifty Shades of Grey franchise so far precedes it that most people have already decided whether or not they want to see it, and nothing can be said to convince them otherwise. A critical review is merely a formality at this point. This mentality carries with it several issues, as it is difficult to fairly judge a film based on its true merit versus preconceived notions. Any film, regardless of what it is, deserves its fair day in court. That being said, is Fifty Shades of Grey worth your time as a viewer? No. Not even a little.

First, let’s establish some background information. The film Fifty Shades of Grey is based on a novel of the same name written by E.L. James. Originating as an erotic fanfiction based on characters in Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight franchise, the story was eventually repurposed into a standalone work and has been met with great commercial success.

The books are most well-known for their vivid and explicit depictions of BDSM sex, but they have often been criticized for their poor writing quality. While the quality of the book itself holds no bearing on the quality of the film, this background information is important to recognize when analyzing specifically how and why its film adaptation fails.

Fifty Shades of Grey tells the story of Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson), an undergraduate who slowly begins to find herself ensnared in the web of Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan), a wealthy executive and head of Grey Enterprises. Anastasia interviews Christian on behalf of her roommate, questioning him on his success, personal beliefs and sexuality. After disregarding all questions except the final one (hint: he’s straight), Christian wastes no time in sexually pursuing Ana, which excites her greatly.

As his pursuits continue, she comes to learn that Christian hides a dark, mysterious past, harbors extreme trust issues and practices BDSM in his sexual relations. This is all revealed within the first 15 or so minutes of the film. What follows is an in-depth chronicle of Ana and Christian’s sexual exploits and Ana’s futile attempts to get Christian to explain why he is the way he is.

The plot is neither interesting nor important; it is clichéd to the extreme and does not develop at all throughout the film’s runtime. With such a lackluster plot, it is clear that the building blocks of the film are the sex scenes rather than the narrative. As a result, under usual circumstances, poor writing would be forgivable. If the film is not story-driven, then it is unfair to judge it based on its story. The film, however, places a lot of emphasis on story.

The film desperately wants to be story-driven, and it shows. That being said, Fifty Shades of Grey is a film that is ashamed to be what it is. It tries desperately to evolve past its roots, only to fail on nearly every level. The film attempts to downplay what could have been its strengths and, as a result, brings its weaknesses to the forefront. The end result: the film is boring.

Despite establishing sex as the foundation for this film’s existence, director Taylor-Johnson makes the puzzling decision to downplay the sex scenes in favor of focusing more on plot and characters. While doing so is the only way the film would have preserved an R rating, the fact remains that the film must shy away from its very nature.

Furthermore, when sex scenes do occur, they are handled in what I can only assume is an attempt to be tasteful (again, likely to preserve an R rating). This works to the film’s detriment, and any sense of intimacy is completely lost. It feels like the film is doing the cinematic equivalent of waving its hand close to the viewer’s face and shouting “I’m not touching you!”

The film takes a story which is visceral and tasteless by its very nature and attempts to force it to be tasteful. In so doing, it robs the film of its very essence. It cannot exhibit its visceral and explicit strengths, because the film is afraid of them. It shies away from going “too far” and thus guts the film of its foundation. In the end, the sex scenes feel neither tasteful nor tasteless; they are simply awkward and shamefully upstaged by even the background music. The worst thing a film of this genre can do is to be afraid of itself. This film drips with fear and so strips itself of what little edge it may have had.

Without any draw to the sex scenes that form the foundation of the story, all that audiences are left with is the lackluster narrative. The film continually circles back to the same plot-driven issues while never resolving any of them. Every character is indescribably shallow, with personalities that never develop beyond a few basic tropes.

What’s more, both Ana and Christian have a nasty habit of talking about themselves as though they’re reading off an OK Cupid profile. This is some of the most blatant and poorly delivered exposition I’ve ever seen in a film. Christian follows every dark loner stereotype to the letter without any of the developments or revelations which normally make characters of that sort become something interesting. The story and characters originated in a Twilight fanfiction, and it certainly shows. Ana and Christian are unabashedly Bella and Edward with even less personality. Most of the film consists of slow, panning shots of either the landscape or the lovers staring at each other. Heaven forbid someone actually talk and risk advancing the story!

Given that neither character grows nor evolves in any substantial way, the viewer is left questioning why roughly 75 percent of the film is dedicated to a completely nonexistent plot.

There are multiple musical montages of these characters just sitting around, thinking about one another. Rather than evoking any sense of emotion or intimacy, each montage proves utterly dull. The ultimate effect: the film is boring. Between boring narrative and awkwardly-handled sexual payoffs, there is absolutely nothing in the film worth caring about.

Fifty Shades of Grey is bad in ways one wouldn’t expect. It is ashamed of its sexual content and reputation, places entirely too much emphasis on its plot and characters and ends up being a film that simply has no idea what it strives to be.

In an attempt to reach everyone, it ultimately appeals to no one. Admittedly, the source material is polarizing, guaranteeing most audiences would enter with preconceived notions about the film regardless of its content. That said, it’s one thing for audiences to have preconceived apprehensions about a film and another entirely for a writer or director to share those fears. If you’re going to make a film like this, at least ante up and make it; don’t chicken out. As a movie boring and uninspiring from beginning to end, there is no reason to recommend Fifty Shades of Grey.

Overall rating: 1.5/5