I don’t know about you all, but I’ve spent an entire month questioning why on Earth Alison Gold was so obsessed with fake Chinese food. Now, Patrice Wilson has finally blessed us with an answer: Alison Gold’s new prequel to “Chinese Food” called “ABCDEFG.” Yes, she did go clubbing before she ate that Chinese food. She actually had a legitimate reason for kicking over that trash can because she had to trick a guy into falling in love with her before accidentally eating him. Plus some weird puppeteer convinced her to get into a truck. Clearly Gold has some issues to work out. So that pretty much validates the entirety of “Chinese Food,” even the parts where Gold gets high off chow-moo-moo-moo-moo mein and hangs out with a pedophile panda in a park.
If you have no idea what I’m talking about, that’s probably a good thing. Run for your life, and don’t get sucked into this Patrice Wilson cave of crazy. Wilson was the mastermind behind “Friday,” and his videos have gotten progressively worse since then. These videos wouldn’t even be worth writing about if it wasn’t so disturbing that this is what Patrice Wilson does with his time, while parents like Alison Gold’s think that their kids are going to become famous, even if the videos have all been about Wilson’s weird, creepy fantasies.
At least people universally like to sing about Friday. People might appreciate a song about Thanksgiving or even Chinese food if Wilson had done it in a non-offensive and less ridiculous way. But this song is literally about singing the alphabet. And tween-age heartbreak, I suppose, if one can get past the recitation of the alphabet.
“ABCDEFG” starts off with Patrice Wilson looming over a bunch of mini houses, before finally deciding to perch in Alison Gold’s window, smiling creepily. She is holding a pillow shaped like an A. This could make sense, because her name does start with an A. But no, that’s wrong. She tells us that A stands for “anything you want to be” and that “B comes when you believe.” It is unclear why she wants the letters to come to her, but okay.
She moves to the living room while spewing a bunch of nonsense about impressing the best and fitting the rest or whatever rhymes. There’s a kid in her house whom she’s obsessed with but doesn’t like her back, except why is he in her house if he doesn’t even know who she is? And where are her parents? Now there’s a pain in her chest and she’s acting like this is on a TSwift heartbreak level.
She has a lot of feelings and can’t express them with actual words, because that takes too much thought. Well, letters make up words so they should have the same effect on the listener, right? She tells us, “This feeling is like ABCDEFG/HIJKLMNOP.” Okay. That sounds right. When she actually uses words they make zero sense (“They got me thinking I will be, I always will be free”), like the rest of the song, so she probably would have been safer just finishing up the alphabet. At least she can’t mess that up.
Wilson can’t handle all of this emotion, so he nudges her house until she gets up and opens the door. Voila, there’s a creepy neon van there and a sign telling her to get in. Obviously the right decision here is to get into the van, because that’s where the party’s at. Nothing could possibly go wrong in this situation.
The second verse is slightly better, since other tweens out there might relate to the lyrics. Gold sings about feeling so many mixed emotions and needing someone to help her deal with them. That’s fine. But what Wilson does to help is not fine. He inserts a mini Cupid into the miniature world to shoot an arrow at this poor kid whom everyone is harassing, and instead misses and hits a car. Hilarious.
And then Gold gets distracted by those feelings because she’s at the party, which is in a building with flashing letters of solfege, “Do-re-mi-fa-so-la-ti-do,” and she must sing that to us. Except she doesn’t even sing the solfege correctly. And sol is spelled “so,” because Wilson probably doesn’t even know what solfege is.
At the party, Gold’s crush is ignoring her, so she’s just going to drink some punch. We’ve all done it. Except Wilson thinks that the best solution in this case is to roofie the punch with one of the sketchy potions hidden in his cabinet. He means to pour in the love potion but pours in the puppet one instead. Classic mistake. Now the party is full of dancing puppets except for Gold and her crush. Time for a Wilson rap where he strings together a bunch of words that rhyme. Oh yeah, and he’s disguised as a puppet. The Cupid finally hits the kid with the arrow, and bam, he’s in love. Except Wilson screws everything up by accidentally putting a Chinese food potion into the punch, and now her crush is Chinese food, which Gold promptly eats.
So now we understand why she loves Chinese food: because she actually wants to date it. That clears everything up.