Dear Triumphant Leader,
I can only imagine the enormous pressure you are under as Chairman of the Most Glorious Land of Eternal Sun. You’re now settling into your second year in office, and yours has been a tumultuous reign. Your friend Hu is no longer in office. Your blasphemous brothers to the south actually chose a GIRL to run the country. Louisville beat Michigan for the NCAA championship. That these atrocities have occurred in the world can only mean the apocalypse is nigh. It is inconceivable that a mere man be expected to handle such affairs, but luckily for the people of The True Korea, there is nothing “mere” about you.
Your subtlety and grace is unparalleled, which is why your regime has flawlessly held power for over 60 years. Whereas others would back down in fear at America’s so-called, “rebalancing to Asia,” you have only reaffirmed your staunch dedication to the protection of Asia, demonstrating the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea’s commitment to maintaining peace and justice in the world! I live in awe of your rationality. Such compassion it must require to cope with the ridiculous assertions of imperialist scum.
What fools to think that 700,000 American-trained soldiers could ever pose a match for the People’s Army!
And the deployment of 12 MV-22 Osprey tilt-rotor transport aircraft to Japan?
60 percent of U.S. Naval, Army and Air Force assets to be stationed in Asia within the next seven years?
The U.S.’s attempts are too futile for humor.
Our Soviet brothers were weak against the American Imperialists and their self-proclaimed nuclear hegemony, but the People’s Army and its Divine Leadership will not falter like false socialists before us. The Americans could only hope to ever harness the power of our Supreme Taepodong, which our Effulgent Leader Kim Jong-Il labored over for years in his efforts to protect the weak from U.S. aggression. The imperialists shout: “North Korea’s missiles do not have the capacity to back its threats!” Such insolence! Capitalists power their machines with not fuel, but LIES! What strength do warheads and missiles have without you, Fearless Chairman, to guide? You and I know that the faith and prayer of the Korean people transcend man’s ability to comprehend, and those prayers will carry our Taepodong wherever you, Radiant Leader, deem it necessary to go.
The capitalists waste money on useless frivolities that they then try to throw in our faces to inspire fear. Sure, there are more F-22s stationed in Japan than ever before. Sure, the U.S. and South Korea have partnered to expand cyber and bomber forces. MQ-9 Reapers, U-2 reconnaissance aircraft, Global Hawk high-altitude unmanned aircraft – all on their way to Asia-Pacific as we speak… These things … uh … can’t hurt … us …
Erm … Oh! But we have something the Americans only dream about! Yes, their tiny brains have not the innovation to even conjure an idea such that the Korean People have already realized. My body explodes with excitement as Pyongyang prepares for the immense celebration that will occur on April 15, the birthday of Our Nation’s Great Founder (which Obama hatefully defiled by making it America’s “Tax Day.” His imprudence will not go unpunished). On that day, America will discover the true extent of Our Nation’s advancement when we unveil the most magnificent display of military power that the world has ever seen. Our intermediate range Musudan missile will leave imperialist pigs cowering behind their mothers’ hips. With its unparalleled range of 2,500 miles, we are unstoppable. We are resolute. Who needs Guam anyway? It is a zit on the earth. A capitalist warehouse full of Marines and M16A2 service rifles.
A model representative of our people, former North Korean soldier, Kim Un Chol, summed up so perfectly the confidence of our brothers and sisters in his testimony: “We can win any war. We now have nuclear weapons. So you won’t see any worry on people’s faces.”
We await with eager hearts the celebrations that will ring in the 101st birthday of our Adored Father Kim Il-Sung on April 15. Why waste time preparing for war, when we have only to prepare for victory! Kim Jon-Un, your reign is one of true benevolence. This letter is a thank you for your splendid existence and a proclamation of my undying service. I will follow you until the end of my days, through thick and thin. Be it nuclear holocaust or sublime salvation — the hermit kingdom will prevail.
Miriam D’Onofrio is a senior International Studies and East Asian Studies double major from Rochester Hills, Mich. She is the political columnist for The News-Letter.