The way I see it, it’s not a new season unless a celebrity’s released nudie pics.
“High School Musical”’s Vanessa Hudgens was the first to start our generation of teen celebrities off, when her nude photo leaked in 2007. Last year, it was “Gossip Girl”’s Blake Lively. This spring, naked photos of “Glee”’s Heather Morris leaked. This week, it was Justin Bieber.
Closeted Beliebers, behold: Justin confirmed that he released a fake nude picture of himself as a publicity stunt for his newest music video, “Beauty and the Beat.”
The scandal began on Oct. 10, when Biebs tweeted the following tweets successively:
“[sic] sucks when [sic] u take personal footage and people [sic] dont respect your property.”
“[sic] yesterday during the show [sic] me and my tour manager [sic] josh had some stuff stolen. [sic] really sucks. [sic] people should respect each other’s property [sic]”
“i had a lot of personal footage on that computer and camera and that is what bothers me the most. #lame #norespect”
Of course, this directly affected Perez Hilton and every teenage girl under the age of 15, thus prompting coverage from major news outlets, including USA Today, the Huffington Post and the Los Angeles Times.
When a nude photo of a boy roughly Bieber’s build began circulating, Justin himself proclaimed that it was a hoax, and released his newest video, featuring none other than Nicki Minaj in one of the world’s strangest collaborations ever. My inner eight year old, nevertheless, would like to say that the music video is eerily reminiscent of that of the great early 2000s anthem “Aaron’s Party.”
However, at press time, it is not entirely clear whether or not Justin’s computer was actually stolen.
On behalf of the teenage girls of America, I have taken the guesswork out of the entire situation and interpreted exactly what “personal footage on that computer and camera” could be interpreted as:
1. An actual sex tape of Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez. I’m not saying I agree with it by any means, but the Kardashians have proven that all it takes to become famous is a sex tape. If for some reason their careers start to tank, I have no doubts there will be a sex tape released in the future. Zero.
2. The (actual) results of Justin’s paternity test. The most recent Biebs hullabaloo occurred when a then 20-year-old fan from California claimed Bieber did the nasty with her after a concert in October of 2010 and got her pregnant.
Of course, being the gentleman that Justin is, he claimed that he is a Christian man who believes in abstinence and then wrote a song about the entire situation that is strangely reminiscent of Michael Jackson’s “Billie Jean.” And we all know how that one ended, folks.
3. A giant bill from the Staples Center. Because I imagine it’s gotta take a some time to pay off renting out the Staples Center just to watch Titanic with your girlfriend. (Really Biebs, if you’re ever in Baltimore, I’ve heard M&T Bank Stadium isn’t as expensive...)
4. Actual nude pictures of Justin Bieber. But that would make too much sense.
5. The Pentagon Papers. Justin Bieber’s bodyguards are pretty much as well trained as the Secret Service, so the Pentagon Papers would be in good hands with the Biebs. Obviously.
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