What would your name be on Flavor of Love?

By KYRA LESSER | March 9, 2017


Alterna2/CC-BY 2.0 William Drayton Jr., better known as Flavor Flav, is a member of hit ‘90s hip hop group Public Enemy.

For those of you who have not heard of Flavor of Love, it’s pretty much just The Bachelor with Flavor Flav and trashier women, and it ran for only three seasons.

“What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” The eternal bard William Shakespeare wrote these timeless words in his monumental play, “Romeo and Juliet.” Now, what would a name be if you asked another prolific figure of American art and culture, say, William Drayton Jr. aka Flavor Flav?

He would say, “Your man Flav, he is not good with names at all. So what I’m gonna attempt to do is give each one of you a nickname, so that way I can remember it, and the reason why I pick nicknames is because I knew I wouldn’t remember their real names, and nicknames I might remember easier.”

These words were uttered on the debut episode of Flav’s smash-hit 2006 Vh1 show, Flavor of Love.

For those of you who have not heard of Flavor Flav: For shame! Flavor Flav is one part of rap group Public Enemy and that’s being generous. Many would argue that Chuck D is the driving force behind Public Enemy and Flav is just his overzealous hypeman who yells out unnecessary ad-libs, but I’m saving that for another article. Let’s figure out who you are, dear reader and who you are meant to become.

In the seminal episode of the first season entitled “Fifteen Beds and a Bucket of Puke,” Flav asks all of his fine ladies to line up in front of a granite table behind a velvet rope. Adorned in a red velvet robe and matching gold sunglasses, Flav pulls out a peacock-feathered plume and scribbles out the destinies of 20 women’s reality television careers forever.

Now, let’s say reader that you had the golden opportunity of being a contestant on Flavor of Love. What would Flav name you?

Honestly, this could go a number of ways. One technique Flav uses to name his women is by identifying a particular physical feature. This could be a contestant with a big smile, beautiful eyes, even dimples. But the most popular feature Flav likes to pay honor to is the bum.

At least three contestants were given their name based off of their lovely cabooses. Some examples of contestants named off of physical traits include Smiley, Bootz, Bunz, Shore-Tee, Dimplez and Eye’z.

The next technique Flav likes to use to name his luscious ladies is by naming them after their place of origin. When the girls introduce themselves, nine times out of 10 they will run up to Flav yelling out the name of the city they are from.

Whether you just have a ton of hometown pride or maybe no other real standout features, this may be the route for you to pick. Contestants named after a city, state and even neighborhood include New York, Georgia, Bamma, Hood, H-Town, Myammee, St. Louis and Savanna.

Maybe you have a hobby that you are extremely fond of. If this is the case, let Flav know, and he will work it into his decision. This is what one contestant named Sarah did. Sarah, wearing a shirt with one of her paintings printed on it and addressing Flav as “Mr. Flavor,” informs Flav that she is a painter.

Flav finds this tidbit quite interesting; In fact he gives a resounding “slammin’!” to Sarah. Thus, she was given the name Picasso. Other examples include Prancer, Tiger and winner of season one (spoiler alert!) Hoopz.

So you’re more of a foodie? No problem, Flav can handle it. But be careful, the odds of being a contestant named after food and winning are not super high. Usually, being named after a food by Flav is a bad thing, considering there is no rhyme or reason usually as to why he believes this food applies to you.

This means that Flav finds you boring, so sorry about that. Past examples include Red Oyster, Peaches, Apples, Cherry, Chocolate, Grayvee and even Ice. But, in a shocking turn of events, if you are named after a word used to describe food, you have a much higher shot of winning your man’s heart, as seen by Deelishis’ victory in season two.

Now, what if you are just stuffed to the gills with personality? Maybe when you see Flav for the first time, you start bouncing off the walls and screaming. Maybe you look down, cross your arms and smile to yourself. Trust me, Flav is noticing it all. Don’t worry! Being named after a personality trait is a good thing. It’s the first establishment of your reality television persona.

If someone sees that your name is Krazy, for example, your reputation in the reality television world is already pretty much out there. You are a crazy person. Past examples of contestants named after their personality traits include Shy, Sinceer, Spunkeey, Somethin’, Payshintz, Buckwild, Serious and of course, Sweetie.

Are you feeling an absurd amount of pressure to find your birth certificate and burn it? Maybe you have a strong urge to run to the DMV and change your name on every single legal document about yourself that you can find? I understand. Flav will do that to you! Think of all the possibilities that your life could be with a name like Toastee or Bubblez.

But, let’s not forget the most important part of all of this, and that’s to be yourself. Flav wouldn’t want it any other way...

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