is necessitating an increase in the need for shared bodily warmth, but no matter where I go, I cannot seem to escape the oh-so-Cosmopolitan issues of relationships, love and of course, sex. From my 9 a.m. class to my coveted hour reserved for Gossip Girl, I am being constantly bombarded with theories, ideas and questions about romance. So, in the spirit of the upcoming holiday, I've decided to do a double romance issue.
Valentine's Day ... you'd think that a holiday meant to celebrate the joys of love would take place in May, when the air is warm and the cherry blossoms blooming, as the birds twitter sweet melodies that fill our hearts with song ... not in the dead of winter. While I have always said that Valentine's Day is a florist's holiday (and I always will), I'll admit it is a good opportunity to take a look at the state of the world and the relationships within it. What are our standards? What do we expect from our partners? From ourselves?
It is a common misconception that women always want to be in a relationship. They simply want exclusive sex, love, affection, understanding and a deep, soulful connection that can be expressed through deep, soulful eye contact. But they don't want to be in a relationship. I am so sick of hearing this. Out of all my friends who are having serious man trouble (and that's pretty much everyone because, hello, we're, like, 20) there is always one common thread: They all claim that they don't want to be in a relationship, when clearly, they do. As a result, they get treated really badly. I cannot tell you how many intelligent, independent women I know who have said that they do not want to be in a relationship with some shmuck, but (and there's always a but) they just want him to call, they just want him to hang out, they just want him to be in love with them ... it's about the passion. I've heard girls argue that they want to maintain their own lives, still see friends who are not their not-boyfriend, do all the same activities they did before they met their not-boyfriend, not spend every night with their not-boyfriend ... But they just want to see their not-boyfriend sometimes, to hang out and for sex, and they don't want anyone else. Newsflash: This is a normal relationship. Yes, I said it: relationship.
The characters in movies (and often in real life as well) who always seem to have a million guys around are often the ones that "don't want to be in a relationship," but that is because they legitimately don't want to be in one. If you are one of the girls who are masquerading behind the "I don't want to be in a relationship" card because you want to appear to be intriguing, alluring, aloof or appealing, please, do us all a favor and slap yourself. First of all, you're just going to end up disappointed when the guy says "Really? Great, me neither," and then three weeks later, it turns out he really meant it. Second of all, people aren't that dumb - they can tell when you are saying one thing but expecting something else, or acting another way or just flat out lying. And no one reacts worse than when they feel like you're trying to ensnare them.
Most women go through this at one point or another - a denial period where they try to be Samantha, not Charlotte. She's feeling empowered and independent and some cute guy comes along, one thing leads to another, and then they have sex. She's feeling on top of the world, she's hot, she's invincible, she ... has no missed calls and it's been three days. Suddenly, he has completely lost interest in her. In her independent glory, she has managed to give up her only bargaining weapon in terms of this guy's interest (duh, sex), and now he couldn't give a damn about her. It doesn't matter if the girl was a rockstar in bed, or if she was the hottest thing he'd ever seen. If he didn't have to work to get her, he's not going to appreciate her.
This isn't to say that all girls secretly want to be in a relationship. There are girls who are perfectly happy being single - but they aren't the ones who are putting themselves in compromising positions. There is also a smaller cluster of girls engaging in high risk behavior who are so strong and so confident that it doesn't bring them down to be devalued by someone they've slept (or even just made out) with. But those are few and far between. For the most part, no matter how good you felt at the time, if someone you've been with doesn't seem interested in you after, you're going to feel bad on a certain level. Even if it was all about the sex, no one likes to feel like an object. No one likes to feel used (especially guys, in fact, but that's for next week). So, let's say you've made it through your denial and you've admitted that you would like to be in a relationship in some form or another. Now what? You're stuck on a campus full of guys who get away with sexual murder; so why would they get themselves locked down into a relationship with you when they could just get it somewhere else? Who's left to date, except people who are weirdly religious or incredibly desperate? What are you supposed to do with that? Honestly, I don't know. Finding a good relationship here is a crapshoot. But I do know that if you keep disrespecting yourself and settling for less than you actually want, you're going to end up feeling pretty bad ... and no one will care. If you keep doing it long enough, even your friends won't know how to help you.
Is this harsh? Yes. But life is harsh.
So, what about Valentine's Day? I could write about flowers and candy or how great it is to be in a great relationship. And yet, as far as relationships go, the one I'm most concerned with is the one not given a special day to celebrate. It's the one with yourself. So for all the sexy ladies, be brave and don't accept anything beneath you. After all, how can you get what you want if you don't ask for it?
And next week, life on the other side of the condom: the guys' side of things.
