The failure of inter-campus love

By Francesca Claire Hansen

The Johns Hopkins News-Letter

Johnny Wonderbread and Tiffany LaCutie were always the cutest thing in high school, joined at the hip, wearing each other's gold name plate necklaces. So naturally, when college rolls around, a few hundred miles couldn't possibly drive a wedge between "luv 4evah," right? Add this to the list of college disillusionments.

Johnny Wonderbread is not the rose-giving, poetry-writing, All-American cutie anymore. Often, as soon as college rolls around, he could be that sketchy guy in your hallway who has hooked up with the whole building. And Tiffany? That "I (heart) Johnny" tattoo has been removed from her ankle, and after a few brewskies, things are looking Wa Wa-wonderful. Insofar as long distance relationships are concerned, fidelity is maybe the only "F word" that most college students don't dare utter.

Perhaps, one may say, this is just a broad, overly-cynical generalization? Anyone who can't think of at least one disillusioned distanced lover most likely doesn't have any friends. After two months away from the love nest, Mike Huerta, '06, says, "Long distance relationships are just a bad idea," adding under his breath, "She hasn't called me in two weeks. Forget her." Although no official statistics are available, the rate of attrition of high school relationships is enormously higher than every single teenage movie would have you believe.

The couples of the American Pie movies had a 50 percent success rate, counting Jim and the Band Camp chick. The reality? "One in maybe 10? Twenty?" offers freshman Michelle Mayagoitia. Although maybe the key to long distance relationships can be drawn from the fine sequel. "Invest in a cellular phone. The bathroom is definitely the best place," says Chris Rosenberg, '06, a satisfied significant-other in a long distance relationship.

"Digital Getdowns" aside, however, there are the few dreamy high school relationships that do last until death do them part. Many say that love can't be undermined by any kind of distance, or even death. Throughout the centuries, epic, steadfast lovers have permeated our culture, inspiring romantics and cynics alike. From Abbolard and Elouise to Jack and Dianne, love can triumph for some.

But really, Romeo and Juliet didn't go to different colleges. Rival blood pales in comparison to the stress of being around a hormonally charged, possibly alcohol-influenced student body. "You just can't keep a focus on school and a long distance relationship and you have to have fun on the weekends," continues Mayagoitia. It's undeniably a large strain on the college social life to have your heart at another university.

Mayagoitia's advice for success across the miles? "Be a hermit." However, when Stifler-type forays are but a passé phase, college itself is set up as a matchmaking machine. What freshman could forget the fear-inspiring statistics offered by Dean Boswell during pre-orientation ? Was that a 50 percent inter-Hopkins marriage rate? Just think, a great number of those reading this article will one day be telling their children how they met in the Hut during midterms, around a Beirut table or ordering the same mondo skinny white chocolate mocha from Café Q.

Although absence may make the heart grow fonder, "out of sight, out of mind" may be the truism most relevant to college relationships. Especially when the surrounding sights are the Hopkins undergraduate body. Although stories exist that give the true romantics hope, such as freshman Stephanie Hausner's parents, who "commuted every other weekend between Albany and the Bronx and are still blissfully married after 25 years," they are few and far between.

Although International Relations may be your major, Intercollegiate Relationships are much trickier by far. If you choose the immortal words of Al Green, ("C'mon, let's stay together, lovin' you whether times are good or bad or I'm happy or sad") you may be among the admirable, faithful few. However, being at Johns Hopkins, no one may blame you if you are swayed by the advice of Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young: "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with."