Honest advice on house hunting - Seriously Mock-Serious

If you're a sophomore, you've probably started to think about housing for next year. Some of you are hoping for campus housing, and most of you have probably realized you'll need to start looking for non-campus alternatives soon. In fact, if you haven't begun, I strongly encourage you to just drop out or transfer. You know you want to anyway.

The search for housing is loaded with potential pitfalls. I know because I made every single mistake one could in my quest for the perfect apartment. It's not that I'm unhappy where I live, either. I really like my place, but I'm certain that I have gone through a lot more headaches than most. In my building's defense (and out of the fear of being evicted), I must say that everything was taken care of promptly and I now live without the worry of falling into the apartment below me or eating the bugs that liked to congregate on my ice cubes.

There are a few things you need to realize. First, don't bank on winning "the lottery" and getting into the Homewood. That was certainly my worst mistake. My friends and I used to joke of the "promised land" of Homewood and how beer came out of the faucets and $100 bills flew out of the AC vents. Neither of those things is true, despite what those Homewood kids want you to believe. Them with their carpets and their keypads. It's sad, really.

But to say that we were completely delusional would be a massive understatement. It's not that we really thought we'd get in, but we still set ourselves up for general procrastination and major disappointment. Even if sophomore year you got the worst room in Wolman and think you're luck just has to get better, you're wrong. Going from 718a to 17 out of 21 in the lottery opened my eyes a little. Or shattered my dreams, either way. The point is, the Homewood is "Satan's Place."

Second, make sure you have several options and keep the lines of communication open. That doesn't mean see the building once and think you have a sure deal. Let the leasing agent know that you're still interested by stopping by every few days and calling to remind them you're still on the market. Maybe even send that special guy or gal some flowers or ask him or her out for coffee. They like that, and you never want to have to say to yourself, "If only I had pressured a little harder." And there's nothing wrong with having a few prospects in line. The search for housing is a real life example of not putting all your eggs into one proverbial basket.

Once you decide on a building you like, make sure that you see, in person, the exact apartment that you may be living in before you sign anything. Going into an apartment without checking it out first is like going out on a two-year-long blind date, but without the funny cartoon bubbles. Letting the leasing agent know of any potential problems before you move in will save you a lot of whining next year (I'm whined out). And inspect everything! Look for water damage near radiators, check doors to make sure they open and close smoothly, check the faucets and shower heads, look for leaks underneath sinks, examine appliances and don't be afraid to ask the current resident questions about problems he or she is too lazy to handle. That way you won't have to deal with gaping holes in the floor, a leaky bathroom sink, a cozy colony of bugs living in your refrigerator insulation, telephone jacks that curiously have no telephone line connected to them or bathtub handles that fall off while you're getting scalded with hot water. At least I didn't have to deal with the rats that are notorious for their exploits on the third floor. They're smart too, those Vermin of Hopkins. I saw one jump over a sticky mouse mat with a pi--a colada in his furry little arm. His hair was perfect!

Another point to consider is what the building's average tenant is like. In some buildings, like mine, there are a lot of students, which means noise and parties and newspaper being ripped to shreds and strewn all over the hallway on my floor and in the elevator. Other buildings feel more like retirement homes, so having to call the coroner may be more likely than going across the hall for a cold one. Not to mention there's no way you can play your N*SYNC at an enjoyable volume after 4:00 p.m. That's their bedtime, you know.

If you really like being able to see your friends, renting a house is the perfect solution. In hindsight, I wish that my friends and I had pursued a house more seriously. The rent is cheaper, of course, and I'm sorry I missed out on having to deal with five other people trashing the place and playing Beirut every night.

I wish you all the best of luck in your housing quest. And with persistence and a little luck, you'll end up happy and headache-free for the next two years. That way you can hold off on taking your own life until grad school applications roll around.