2008 Woodie Awards
Technology: finally out of hand
Issue date: 10/9/08
My name is Emma Brodie and I am a Luddite. Well, that's not entirely fair. I love my computer. I love my phone. I love love love anything on wheels. And technically, to this day, I have never intentionally done anything to brutally damage or sabotage a machine.
OK, not true. That time my mom's computer was over heating and she thought the next logical step was to stick it in the fridge, I knew that was a bad idea, but I let her do it anyway. Can you blame me? (Besides, next to those freaks at blendit.com, this is child's play).
Anyway, though I am by nature a peace-loving, light-hearted sort of gal, there are certain niches in society which I feel technology has invaded in an inappropriate way. Let's just say, it grinds my gears.
For one thing, I hate it when my elevator talks to me. "Going down," the woman says in her acidly sweet tone of voice. Going down on who? It's like she's mocking me for riding from the first floor to the lobby.
Fact: It's actually harder on your body to descend than to ascend. She should think about that before she makes another student feel inadequate, and possibly fall down the stairs to their death, a fate which would never have befallen them had they not felt so intimidated by the queen of the cage.
Here's another thing I hate: automatic toilets. I'll decide when I'm finished, thank you very much. How dare they impose a limit on my bladder. What is this, America? Land of the Pee? Home of the get-out-of-the-stall?
If it's not on a timer it's a motion detector, which is equally bad: For God's sake, if you don't sit absolutely 100 percent still on the toilet you end up flushing approximately eight times, the equivalent of the water supply of a small country. Oops, sorry Dubai, you don't get water this month because Emma Brodie didn't sit still enough on the can.
The toilets are just the start of it actually: Bathroom appliances in general promote upheaval and uncleanliness. First there's the sink. You have to hold your hands in exactly the right spot, otherwise no water will commeth.
OK, not true. That time my mom's computer was over heating and she thought the next logical step was to stick it in the fridge, I knew that was a bad idea, but I let her do it anyway. Can you blame me? (Besides, next to those freaks at blendit.com, this is child's play).
Anyway, though I am by nature a peace-loving, light-hearted sort of gal, there are certain niches in society which I feel technology has invaded in an inappropriate way. Let's just say, it grinds my gears.
For one thing, I hate it when my elevator talks to me. "Going down," the woman says in her acidly sweet tone of voice. Going down on who? It's like she's mocking me for riding from the first floor to the lobby.
Fact: It's actually harder on your body to descend than to ascend. She should think about that before she makes another student feel inadequate, and possibly fall down the stairs to their death, a fate which would never have befallen them had they not felt so intimidated by the queen of the cage.
Here's another thing I hate: automatic toilets. I'll decide when I'm finished, thank you very much. How dare they impose a limit on my bladder. What is this, America? Land of the Pee? Home of the get-out-of-the-stall?
If it's not on a timer it's a motion detector, which is equally bad: For God's sake, if you don't sit absolutely 100 percent still on the toilet you end up flushing approximately eight times, the equivalent of the water supply of a small country. Oops, sorry Dubai, you don't get water this month because Emma Brodie didn't sit still enough on the can.
The toilets are just the start of it actually: Bathroom appliances in general promote upheaval and uncleanliness. First there's the sink. You have to hold your hands in exactly the right spot, otherwise no water will commeth.
Viewing Comments 1 - 2 of 2
Will
posted 10/16/08 @ 1:31 AM EST
this is hilarious. seriously.
Joe
posted 10/17/08 @ 8:58 PM EST
Too much exaggeration and ranting/raving. Don't really see any point to this article.
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